Archive for May, 2009

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Melrose Place RETURNS!

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Yes, it’s true.  Your prayers have been answered.  As if Gossip Girl wasn’t enough to numb your brain while sterilizing you through your eyes, the CW has chosen to resurrect the ultimate trashtastic tv drama dinosaur.  No, not Falcon Crest… MELROSE PLACE… and it’s coming this fall!  All I can really say is, it better not go up against The Hills… Honestly, if given the choice between a revamped version of the worst show in television history, or the current version of the worst reality show in television history, I’m gonna have to start breaking skulls! Believe that! 
As a refresher… Who remembers when Amanda (Heather Locklear) became an alcoholic (no, not in real life), or when Marcia Cross (as Dr. Kimberly Shaw) lost her shit (like Susan Boyle), or when Brooke (Kristin Davis) got crunk, smacked her head and drowned!? Speaking of Heather Locklear, who remembers those ‘business suits’ she borrowed from Jessica Hahn to wear to work?  She was a VERY successful Ad Executive… 
I’m not exactly sure what the deal is in terms of story line, but I think they’re using the same characters with younger actors, a move which has stirred concern among “Melrose fanatics” (also, Melrose fanatics… WHAT?!).  I wouldn’t be too concerned, guys.  The CW could cast Rick James (RIP) as Mr. Winkle’s love interest then have them broken up by Underdog from Howard Stern and it’d still seem believable taken in the context of the other totally insane shit that’s about to take place.
Anyhow, don’t forget to set your DVRs and fireproof your children.  I, for one, can’t wait to curl up with that special someone and soak up the brain food!
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 8:45PM Add Comment

Susan Boyle Goes Bananas / Might Be Brian Dennehy

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Overnight worldwide phenomenon, 47 year old singer Susan Boyle is finding out that fame might not be all she’d imagined.  Amid reports of a meltdown during the final stages of Britain’s Got Talent, news is now surfacing that Susan has been placed in a “safe house”.  YIKES! I wonder what kind of a “safe house” Simon Cowell was able to provide.  He’s got lots of big time Hollywood pals!  Hm, I know one house that’s recently lost some residents, but I’m sure it’s still close quarters up in the Spelling’s shanty.  Imagine if Candy Spelling was put in charge of caring for “Susan” during this crazy time!?  ”Don’t worry, Susan… You’re a fabulous talent, even though you murdered my husband… It’s time for your blood letting as soon as I finish consuming this giant diamond…”
It must be super overwhelming for “Susan” to go from being an everyday Scotswoman one day, to all of a sudden becoming a stratospherically famous celebrity overnight.  Not easy, guys!  Unless of course, Susan Boyle isn’t who she says she is at all… 
Let’s analyze the facts here, people.  Maybe “Susan” isn’t such a stranger to fame.  Perhaps she’s been performing in film and on stage for decades… Think her onstage bravado is god given?  Well let me ask you this… When’s the last time you saw Brian Dennehy out and about? Hm!? Perhaps he woke up one morning and said… “I’m not sure I want to ‘Brian Dennehy’ anymore… Maybe I’ll grow a mustache, grab some Grecian Formula and start calling me-self ‘Susan Boyle’!  Ay, laddie!”… Sounds plausible to me… 
In all seriousness… “Susan” (Brian), whoever you are… You are truly gifted and I have faith in the fact that you will win Britain’s Got Talent and go on to a glorious (second) career.  Once this media storm is over, it’s important for you to take some time, and maybe return to your Scottish homeland for a little R & R.  Come to think of it… As an artist, you might find a certain local gallery opening to your liking… ZING!!  I won this round, Dennehy… 
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 6:48PM Add Comment

Wikipedia TOPS Tom Cruise!

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

L. Ron Hubbard’s best-selling science fiction fable, Scientology, has been getting its ass kicked all over space this week.  No, really.  

Firstly, it seems France is ruling to completely dismantle their regional chapter of the organization (”Haw, haw, haw, Cheri”)… and now Wikipedia’s jumping into the ring?  Xenu can’t catch a break! 
Picture those scenes in Alien where Sigourney Weaver jumps into that huge machine and sucker punches the Alien in the face in order to save “Newt”... That’s what it was like, except the Arbitration Committee at Wikipedia gets to play Ripley and everyone on earth (besides batshit crazy alien eaters) are Newt!  Wikipedia, you’re Butch!
It turns out that the free online encyclopedia, which happens to be the 8th most popular site on the internet (click here to see #1… with a BULLET!), felt it necessary to ban all IP addresses associated with the “religion” in order to prevent them from pushing their own alien agenda.  After a six-month deliberation, the committee turned out a vote of 10 – 0, with no abstention… OUCH!  
But look, just because the “religion” itself can no longer dominate Wikipedia with propaganda, nutcase ramblings, and threats doesn’t mean that individual Scientologists can’t enjoy the site.  Why, only this morning, I came across these comments left by concerned members of the Scientology community.  
Dear Wikipedia, 
You are a JERK, man, ok? Also, there are some mistakes in your entry about Tom Cruise.  He isn’t a homosexual, in fact he’s married… To a woman, a Wo-Mannn.  So you might wanna change that.  You wanna see a straight guy in action?  Rent Risky Business… I got three words for you… He-Te-Ro… Somebody get Mimi Rogers on the phone!  Talk about a marriage that definitely was NOT a sham!! POW… BAM, BAM, BAM!
Dear Wikipedia Arbitration Committee, 
Wee wop zee zooop lim lickin’ zizzle.  Me no remembuh mama papa po beep boop. ZAP…
Respectfully, 
Wikipedia,
McRib returns to Mcdonalds June 15 through August 8… put that on Wikipedia.
Dear anyone,
Help, these people are fuckin’ crazy - 
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 1:56PM Add Comment

"Pussy" Natural Energy Drink: Inhibition Is A Recipe For Mediocrity

Friday, May 29th, 2009

No, this is really happening.  I swear.  I actually feel like I can’t move my legs.  Yup, I’m in shock.  According to the drink’s website, “Pussy is spontaneous, entertaining, optimistic and fun – Pussy believes in having a good time as often as possible… Pussy is NOT about being serious, chemical energy, having a corporate attitude, or being predictable.”  

The brainchild of energy drink pervert, Jonnie Shearer, Pussy is a refreshing, captivating and lightly carbonated mix of white grape juice, limes, lychees, and herbs… 
Apparently, the P-word is all the rage in London, but still unavailable in the United States.  Yet, it seems it’s already become a mainstay amongst a select echelon of American intellectuals.  I mean, I personally never thought it could get any worse than Crunk Juice, man was I wrong.  
I think the most amazing part of the Pussy phenomenon is the way in which they’ve approached branding.  I like how the copy is written in the third person.  It’s nice to know what Pussy believes, that it’s unpredictable, and (my personal favorite) OPTIMISTIC.  That’s always been one of my favorite things about Ol’ Puss… it’s a real glass-half-full type of thang!  
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 10:50PM Add Comment

Phil Spector Scares the Crap Out of Me / Gets Convicted of Murder

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Music impresario, Phil Spector, was convicted of second degree murder today for the 2003 slaying of actress Lana Clarkson.  Ruh-Roh…   
Spector who rose to fame in the 1960’s was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1989 and is credited for pioneering the quintessential 60’s girl-group sound.  After having worked with such music industry luminaries such as Tina Turner, John Lennon and The Ramones, Spector, 69 has the unique honor of spending the next 19 years to life in prison with even more notable “artists”.  
Among Spector’s companions will most likely be rapper DMX, Libertine’s frontman Pete Doherty, and maybe even 80’s wunderkind, Boy George!  Talk about a fabulous girl group!
In all seriousness, though… What the hell is with Phil Spector (this whole murder thing aside)?  Is he human?  Is he carbon-based? This dude makes Charles Manson look like George Plimpton.  I’m pretty sure I’d feel safer around just about anybody else on earth.  Well, almost anybody.  That’s right, I’m petrified of Anne Heche and I’ll admit it.  Thank god her hellish, dark life force is centered on destroying someone else right now… Phew!  If “Celestia” calls, I’m not home…
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 9:05PM Add Comment

Keanu Reeves Has 400 Canadian Children, Aye!?

Friday, May 29th, 2009

There are certain things parents can rely on to tell their children before bedtime… Stories and anecdotes that seek to calm the soon-to-slumber tot, while reaffirming a weary parent’s faith in the world into which they’ve brought a child… As of today, the extraordinarily comforting fact that Keanu Reeves has not procreated is shot to shit… That’s right!  It looks as if Bill… or Ted might be a daddy, several times over… to a gaggle of baby Canucks!  ”What are you talking abooot?” you might ask!

Yes, it seems the Matrix star may have fathered between 1 and 4 (Who is this guy?? Anthony Quinn?!) of a Canadian woman, Karen Sala’s, kids!  Oh no, it’s doesn’t end there!  The “kids” in question are all between the ages of 20 and 25 years old!  Yup!  According to Sala, her request for a DNA test is solely for her “children’s” emotional well-being and to seek “closure” in this matter.  Well, that whole “closure” and “identity” bullshit AND $150,000 / month in child support retroactively from June of 1998, as well as $3 miilion / month in retroactive spousal support dating back to November of 2006.  DAYUM!!  
Now, as I plug these digits into my super computer, I come up with a grand total of $152,400,000.  That’s a lot of cash!  You’re forgetting though, nobody plays dumb like Keanu Reeves… Nobody!  I bet he can skate his way right through this little bump in the road by donning that black dress he wore in the Matrix and flailing his arms as fast as he can to confuse the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Either way, I’m sure Keanu ain’t scurred.  He’s been through a lot recently, and nothing can be more emotionally scarring than that love scene he filmed with Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give…

ASIDE: If any of you decide to go back and check my math on what Keanu’s being sued for, we’re not friends anymore.  No, I’m serious because I’m not friends with nerds… So, why don’t you go hang out with your new best friend?  No, I’m serious, I hear your new best friend is waiting for you… the two of you can check math together.
  
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 7:28PM Add Comment

Has Anyone Else Seen This? Annnnd… I'm Blind…

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Behold, artist Peter Howson’s (please click that link… he looks like he accidently just released airborne polio into the ventilation system of that gallery) nude portrait of Madonna and Guy Ritchie.  Holy shit, honestly, I feel like the only thing more frightening than this portrait is Madonna in real life.  
Howson’s collection, entitled New Works, makes it’s debut at the McLaurin Art Gallery in Scotland and is scheduled to cause spontaneous blindness until June 4th.  A spokesperson for the gallery is quoted as saying, “The figure in the painting is not really recognizable as Madonna. You wouldn’t know it was her unless someone told you.” 
No shit.  Howson’s obviously trying to get press by pawning off the sexiest painting ever of Sarah Jessica Parker, flanked by Chastity Bono and saying it’s Madonna and guy Ritchie.  Good thing I’m wearing my customized Hazmat suit .
On the bright side, now Scottish food can finally relinquish it’s title as the most revolting thing about Scotland.  God, if this poor painting could talk… I can almost hear it uttering softly, “Haggis... Haggis… I absolve you…”  
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 4:40PM Add Comment

Candy Spelling Accuses Tori of Murder… FABULOUS!

Friday, May 29th, 2009

In a statement that broke earlier this week, Candy Spelling, the mother of “actress” Tori Spelling and widow of TV super producer, Aaron Spelling did her best to convince the world at large what a total cantankerous nutcase she is.  3-2-1… SUCCESS!

When asked about her steadily festering relationship with her daughter, Candy went on to say that Tori’s non-presence at home during Aaron’s decline and all around bad attitude actually killed her father.  YIKES!  
Also has anyone else seen the modest cottage the Spelling’s were forced to share?  And when I say “share”, I mean the way the rest of us share earth.  That place makes Oprah’s house look like a doublewide.  Candy followed up her accusation of Tori’s patricide with an explanation in today’s Huffington Post : “I didn’t meant to create headlines.  I was asked a question about my daughter not spending time with my family, and I answered truthfully.  My husband was very ill, and he had stopped eating and taking liquids.  He called Tori on a daily basis, and never stopped asking if Tori had returned his call.  We had to say no everyday.”  
I feel like I can understand Tori’s decision not to call.  If given the choice between speaking to her ailing father one last time on his deathbed and the off-chance she’d call and Candy Canes would pick up, I’m pretty I’d go Rasputin on my phone.  Yeah, that’s right… I’d stab it, set it on fire, hang it, drown it and bury it alive just to make sure Candy couldn’t reach me.  The I’d go into the witness protection program.  
Incidentally, Candy also reportedly split up Aaron’s $500 million fortune in the following way… $498.4 million for herself and $1.6 million to split among her two children.  I’m surprised Candy didn’t try to repossess Tori’s newest nose and incredibly natural-looking breasts. 
Man, all this hoopla certainly makes Tori Spelling seem like a saint.  I mean, she could decide to cook and eat her children tonight on live TV and I’d still vote to put her face on a stamp.  Can you imagine what it was like to grow up in that shit-hole of a house with Gollum from Lord of the Rings as your mother?  ”Aarrron, give me the prrrrreciousssssssss…..”
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 3:11PM Add Comment

ExxonMobil IS the Antichrist

Friday, May 29th, 2009

As if huge vampiric corporations didn’t have a bad enough reputation… Oh, and as if causing the most devastating environmental disaster of all time wasn’t already on their roster, ExxonMobil took it to the top this week, cementing their place in history alongside Dr. Evil, Mr. Burns, and the Predator.

Yes, that’s right.  ExxonMobil, the petrol superpowers who actually merged forces in 1999 don’t only have the distinction of being the planet’s worst nightmare, they’ve also decided to spread their moral sludge into their employee practices as well.  It seems they win the dubious medal of honor for being the ONLY Fortune 500 company that has refused to add sexual identity and gender discrimination to their employee nondiscrimination policy.  
Oh… NO… They… DIDN’T!!!
A Personal Message to the Brass at ExxonMobil: Let’s get something straight… You’ve already done some pretty impressive damage to the planet.  If I were you, I’d be spending my free time deworming orphans when I wasn’t dismantling minefields.  Karma’s a bitch, ladies, and unless you’re planning on spending your collective afterlife in a room with no windows that has Carrot Top to entertain you and Jocelyn Wildenstein to warm the bed, it might be time to reconsider your moral standing.  Not convinced?  I forgot to mention one more thing about that room… You’ve got a cellmate… and she don’t take no shit… xo
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 2:02PM Add Comment

AMEX vs. Courtney Love… I Know Who I'm Betting On…

Friday, May 29th, 2009

As if the credit industries and lenders across the board aren’t in enough trouble.  This week I believe, hammered the final nail into the coffin of American Express.  In a lawsuit filed against Courtney Love, Amex claimed her delinquency in over $350,000 in unpaid charges.  Holy Mackarel! That’s a lot of cane, kids… 

In a statement from her lawyer, Keith Fink, Love asserts that 104 (yup, count ‘em… 104) fraudulent American Express cards were taken out in her name and used nearly as much as Courtney herself.  Yikes!  Who was the friendly Amex Credit Official working on these alleged 104 card approvals?!  Gary Coleman?!  I can hear it now… “Courtney Love? Ay! Whoah! Approved! … Courtney Love? Whatchu talkin’ ’bout? Approved! …  Another Courtney Love?  For a credit line of $1 Trillion? Denied… I’m just fucking with ya!  Approved!”
Seriously though, I doubt this case well ever make it to court.  I mean, what are the chances that Courtney won’t kidnap and dismember every Amex executive, staff member, relative of staff member, janitor, mail person, restroom attendant, and ancillary card-holder as soon as her bedsores heal.  It’d be hard to pin it on her though… if it weren’t for the surveillance tape of a mysterious, blonde smoking dinosaur hopping into Billy Corgan’s maudlin getaway vehicle.  Ah!  Foiled again, Love…
ASIDE: Ok, on a serious note, Courtney.  Don’t hit me back.  I’m scared of you and I was emotionally lost at the time I wrote his… Emotionally lost and whacked out on whippets.  You remember whippets, right?  They’re what you suckled as a newborn!  ZING! Ok, guys, if I turn up dead, you know who’s responsible…  
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 12:27AM Add Comment

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