Archive for May, 2009

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Has Anyone Else Seen This? Annnnd… I'm Blind…

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Behold, artist Peter Howson’s (please click that link… he looks like he accidently just released airborne polio into the ventilation system of that gallery) nude portrait of Madonna and Guy Ritchie.  Holy shit, honestly, I feel like the only thing more frightening than this portrait is Madonna in real life.  
Howson’s collection, entitled New Works, makes it’s debut at the McLaurin Art Gallery in Scotland and is scheduled to cause spontaneous blindness until June 4th.  A spokesperson for the gallery is quoted as saying, “The figure in the painting is not really recognizable as Madonna. You wouldn’t know it was her unless someone told you.” 
No shit.  Howson’s obviously trying to get press by pawning off the sexiest painting ever of Sarah Jessica Parker, flanked by Chastity Bono and saying it’s Madonna and guy Ritchie.  Good thing I’m wearing my customized Hazmat suit .
On the bright side, now Scottish food can finally relinquish it’s title as the most revolting thing about Scotland.  God, if this poor painting could talk… I can almost hear it uttering softly, “Haggis... Haggis… I absolve you…”  
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 4:40PM Add Comment

Candy Spelling Accuses Tori of Murder… FABULOUS!

Friday, May 29th, 2009

In a statement that broke earlier this week, Candy Spelling, the mother of “actress” Tori Spelling and widow of TV super producer, Aaron Spelling did her best to convince the world at large what a total cantankerous nutcase she is.  3-2-1… SUCCESS!

When asked about her steadily festering relationship with her daughter, Candy went on to say that Tori’s non-presence at home during Aaron’s decline and all around bad attitude actually killed her father.  YIKES!  
Also has anyone else seen the modest cottage the Spelling’s were forced to share?  And when I say “share”, I mean the way the rest of us share earth.  That place makes Oprah’s house look like a doublewide.  Candy followed up her accusation of Tori’s patricide with an explanation in today’s Huffington Post : “I didn’t meant to create headlines.  I was asked a question about my daughter not spending time with my family, and I answered truthfully.  My husband was very ill, and he had stopped eating and taking liquids.  He called Tori on a daily basis, and never stopped asking if Tori had returned his call.  We had to say no everyday.”  
I feel like I can understand Tori’s decision not to call.  If given the choice between speaking to her ailing father one last time on his deathbed and the off-chance she’d call and Candy Canes would pick up, I’m pretty I’d go Rasputin on my phone.  Yeah, that’s right… I’d stab it, set it on fire, hang it, drown it and bury it alive just to make sure Candy couldn’t reach me.  The I’d go into the witness protection program.  
Incidentally, Candy also reportedly split up Aaron’s $500 million fortune in the following way… $498.4 million for herself and $1.6 million to split among her two children.  I’m surprised Candy didn’t try to repossess Tori’s newest nose and incredibly natural-looking breasts. 
Man, all this hoopla certainly makes Tori Spelling seem like a saint.  I mean, she could decide to cook and eat her children tonight on live TV and I’d still vote to put her face on a stamp.  Can you imagine what it was like to grow up in that shit-hole of a house with Gollum from Lord of the Rings as your mother?  ”Aarrron, give me the prrrrreciousssssssss…..”
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 3:11PM Add Comment

ExxonMobil IS the Antichrist

Friday, May 29th, 2009

As if huge vampiric corporations didn’t have a bad enough reputation… Oh, and as if causing the most devastating environmental disaster of all time wasn’t already on their roster, ExxonMobil took it to the top this week, cementing their place in history alongside Dr. Evil, Mr. Burns, and the Predator.

Yes, that’s right.  ExxonMobil, the petrol superpowers who actually merged forces in 1999 don’t only have the distinction of being the planet’s worst nightmare, they’ve also decided to spread their moral sludge into their employee practices as well.  It seems they win the dubious medal of honor for being the ONLY Fortune 500 company that has refused to add sexual identity and gender discrimination to their employee nondiscrimination policy.  
Oh… NO… They… DIDN’T!!!
A Personal Message to the Brass at ExxonMobil: Let’s get something straight… You’ve already done some pretty impressive damage to the planet.  If I were you, I’d be spending my free time deworming orphans when I wasn’t dismantling minefields.  Karma’s a bitch, ladies, and unless you’re planning on spending your collective afterlife in a room with no windows that has Carrot Top to entertain you and Jocelyn Wildenstein to warm the bed, it might be time to reconsider your moral standing.  Not convinced?  I forgot to mention one more thing about that room… You’ve got a cellmate… and she don’t take no shit… xo
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 2:02PM Add Comment

Britney and Aunt Flo Visit Couture-Land!

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

According to the New York Post, Britney Spears is officially cursed.  Which is sad because the pop star’s life has seemed on the upswing lately.  No, really!  She’s been playing to sold-out stadiums all over the world, she and K-Fed have established a friendship while he simultaneously became obese, and her 6-pack came out of hiding.  Not to mention, her two children seem, er, happy and healthy… and her father continues to retain a conservatorship over her assets, snack intake, and mating.  What could be bad, you ask? 

Apparently, according to an inside source, Britney showed up bright-eyed and bushy tailed for an recent Elle Magazine shoot… only she wasn’t alone.  Said the source, “They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes — and, well let’s just say she forgot what time of the month it was.  It wasn’t pretty.”  
What?!  Not pretty?! That there Britney Spears is a national treasure, I tell ya!  I’m surprised K-Fed didn’t suddenly appear from behind a rolling rack and try to fertilize the dress in hopes of amping his palimony… 
Let’s be honest here.  Britney’s come a long way in the last year or so.  Gone are the days of head-shaving, stripping, and intravenous Cheetos consumption.  Fine, she was more fun before.  But look on the bright side!  At least she didn’t conceive this month, which is more than we can surely say for lil’ Jamie Lynn…  Hot Diggity Dog, Ya’ll!
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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 10:03PM Add Comment

So-So-tomayor…

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

President Obama’s pick for Supreme Court Justice David Souter’s replacement, federal judge Sonia Sotomayor, seems to be raising eyebrows on both sides of the political divide.  

In her 16 year career as a judge, Sotomayor has loosely kept the same liberal-leaning track record as Souter.  Yet Sotomayor remains somewhat of a judicial wild card.  Yeah, that’s right, I said judicial wild card… 

For instance, in 2002, she ruled against an abortion rights group that had challenged the US government’s policy of prohibiting foreign organizations that supported or performed abortions from receiving US financial support.     

Recently, in what seems her most controversial case to date, Sotomayor ruled against white firefighters in New Haven, Ct. in a civil rights claim, turning on the exclusion of promotion exams which were discarded by the state on the grounds that minorities seemed to score to lowly (a ruling that was swiftly appealed).  

Sotomayor also struck down a city ordinance prohibiting the display of religious symbols during the holiday season, most notably a 9 ft. Menorah in a city park.  Obviously, I’m a “Rennie” so none of that offends me, M’lady.  

She also ruled for two inmates’ right (in a state prison) to practice Santaria (or white magic) in the clink, and don the beads to match.  That’s what I call religious freedom… even in the lockdown!  Although on this one, I think maybe she was just slightly frightened of going against those dudes and ending up a cast member in The Serpent and the Rainbow.

Say what you want about Sotomayor.  If anything, it seems she’s goes by her gut, while dismissing any strong pattern of either conservative or liberal reasoning.  And if appointed, she’ll be the first Hispanic to serve as a Supreme Court Justice, which is awesome.  

I’d love to see how, if appointed, Judge Sotomayor interacts with conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas... Aw, who am I kidding?  He’s not such a bad guy.  Rumor has it, he’s always willing to pick up lunch for the whole gang during deliberation from ‘Long Dong Silvers’… Just don’t ask to share his can of Coke…

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Posted by admin at 5/31/2009 9:08PM Add Comment

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