Archive for July, 2009

Why Paula Deserves $20 Million!

Monday, July 20th, 2009
Ok, so here’s an update… Paula asked Fox for $20 million for this season of American Idol, and it seems they’ve already passed on giving her $10 million.  Anyhoo, please check of the video of Paula shit-house wasted on a local tv interview.  This woman works hard of the money!  Pay up, Fox!  You know how much illegal prescriptions cost!? At least $20 million! Jesus!


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Paula Abdul Leaves American Idol?

Monday, July 20th, 2009

 

Yup, you read correctly.  I wonder if this has something to do with that mandatory sobriety test during filming, but it seems as if Paula Abdul has decided to walk away from the show that revived her career.  Apparently, Fox refused to give Adbul as much money as she wanted to shoot season 9 of American Idol.  In contrast to Simon Cowell’s reported $140 million payday, Abdul has decided to move on if she doesn’t get an offer (like she has a choice…). 
HollyScoop reports:
“It’s the end of an era! According to Paula Abdul’s manager, the American Idol judge most likely won’t be returning back to the show for its upcoming ninth season due to contract negotiations. 
“Very sadly, it does not appear that she’s going to be back on Idol,” Abdul’s manager, David Sonenberg, who has yet to receive a proposal for her return, told The Los Angeles Times. 
“I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful,” he added of the holdup. “I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that [Idol production companies Fremantle and 19 Entertainment] haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do.” 
All hope isn’t lost yet though, because Sonenberg added that Paula would still “love to be on the show,” but he hasn’t received any sort of proposal from the network yet. The new season is set to premiere in January.” 
Yikes, maybe the PA’s over at the Kodak theater just got sick of having to clean up Paula’s drool at the end of the night and finally complained. This is so sad! Meanwhile, I like how Fox isn’t commenting on not asking her back yet.  They’re all, “Simon’s on board for $140 mil… awesome… We paid Randy in flaming cake… perfect… Kara is paying us $16 million to be on-air again this year… check… Seacrest gets his weekly conjugal visit with Kris Allen… awesome he’s all set… Are we missing anyone? Oh, yeah janitorial wants a raise… why not? Done!  That’s about it.  Who wants a Mai Tai!?”

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Lady Gaga Has Been Reading HitDanBack!

Monday, July 20th, 2009

No, really she must have been… Apparently, she’s heard my call for action.  She’s finally figured out a way to highlight her best assets while camouflaging her faults.  This is awesome, I love that’s she’s embraced fashion in this manner.  
On a more serious note, what the hell is going on here?  I mean, she’s gotta be kidding right?  Look, I’m appreciative that she’s keeping that gorgeous punim under wraps, but this is just totally stupid.  Who loves fashion more than I do? Nobody, that’s who.  But everyone knows when you rock a burlap skort with a voting booth hanging from your sicko polyester Carol Channing wig, you put the Christmas lights ON TOP!  ON TOP! Amateur… Looks like somebody needs a fashion lesson from the master… Grab your hunter’s plaid, it’s time to rock… 

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“Knock-Knock.. Who’s There? Nightmare From Hell, That’s Who…”

Saturday, July 18th, 2009

Let The Right One In...

Here’s a photo from last night of Lindsay Lohan literally trying to break her way into Samantha Ronson’s house…

This is something nobody wants to see at their front gate.

Imagine being awakened from your slumber that oh-so-familiar gurgling and screeching outside, and knowing it’s “her” again… ?

I like how the paparazzi actually got a photo of her knocking and lying into the intercom about who’s at the door.

I’m pretty sure the exchange went something like this…

Lindsay: “Knock-knock…”

Sam: “Who’s there?”

Lindsay: “Um, can I talk to Samantha Ronson?”

Sam: “Yes, I’m Samantha Ronson…”

Lindsay: “Um, UPS, you’re package is here…”

Sam: “What package… it’s 3:30 am…”

Lindsay: “Oh, you’re CD is here! Hooray! Open the door, please…”

Sam: “What CD?!”

Lindsay: “The one you ordered, hooray!! Can I come in?”

Sam: “I’m sorry, but it’s very late…”

Lindsay: “Sam?  It’s me….”

Sam: “Who?”

Lindsay: “Um… your friend…”

Sam: “Which one?”

Lindsay: “Ummmm, I think it’s better if I don’t say… I mean, it’s not your friend… it’s the person who loves you…”

Sam: “Nana Louise?!”

Lindsay: “No… not your Nana, but yourrrr…..”

Sam: “Cigarettes?”

Lindsay“Yes, this is your little cigarette with red hair…”

Sam“Oh, hi little cigarette! You work for UPS?!”

Lindsay“Sam!  It’s not a cigarette, it’s Lindsay!”

Sam“…….”

Lindsay: ”Sam!”

Sam: “……..”

Lindsay: “Sam? I can hear you breathing….”

Sam: “…. Um, this is the butler.  Sam not home and she isn’t breathing, she exploded last week…”

The End.
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Sometimes It's Funny When Gorgeous People Eat Shit…

Friday, July 17th, 2009
Ok, this video is pretty self explanatory… But, a couple of things to keep in mind before you watch it.  These newscasters seriously almost shat their pants while trying not to laugh at this poor jimmy-legged model and so did I.  I guess I could tell you what show it was from or which model it is, but honestly do you care?  I sure don’t.  All I know is that this girl’s got what it takes… 
Also, do you like how the death of James Brown totally left a vacancy in the world for another human being who could dance in his style?  You know how he’d just shuffle his feet like a nutcase until he’d burn through whatever floor her was standing on? Well, this model can do it too.  Possibly better than James Brown… Which is impressive.  It’s Friday, and this video is like a gift from from above, especially around the 27 second mark.  I Feel GOOD! Heh!


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Because It's FRIDAY!

Friday, July 17th, 2009

Someone call the Hottie PoliceCloris Leachman is at it again.  Who likes this photo? Huh?!  Stand up and be counted!  Something interesting, well besides the obvious, is that the man opening the gate to heaven is actually Cloris’ son… Please look at his face.  Then please look at Cloris’ face.  I’m so scared.  The worst part is that I’m currently housesitting and now I have to explain why I set the bed on fire and cut the eyes out of all the pictures in Vogue and buried them outside.  Nobody should have to go through this alone.  I’ll never dance again.  I’m sorry but I have to briefly excuse myself because after gazing at Cloris, my hair spontaneously turned white, my eyes exploded, my teeth fell out, I began to speak in tongues, and my mother slapped me in the face. Not happy… Thanks a lot.

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Public Service… Because I Care…

Friday, July 17th, 2009
The media is a powerful platform.  As a matter of fact I was just discussing how drunk with power I’ve become lately with my new Assistant.  It’s odd, because given the gargantuan number of people that read this blog everyday, I think I owe it to you guys to also present stories that are of public use.  Lately, I’ve been so wrapped up in being “fancy” that I’ve forgotten that I can also use HitDanBack as a powerful tool for knowledge.  In that vein, I present the following video which certainly changed my life and I hope it does the same for you.  There’s a saying in my native tongue, “Shamni-Raf-Gavna-Nippy-Fartfuckles” which roughly translated, means “Let the eagle screech. I am with you tonight, Nippy-Fartfuckles“.  That pretty much says it all. Enjoy.

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Michael Jackson IS The Biological Father Of His Kids!?

Friday, July 17th, 2009

Michael Jackson’s brother, Tito spoke out yesterday, telling The Daily Mirror that he believes beyond the shadow of a doubt that Michael Jackson is the biological father of Paris, Prince Michael, and Blanket. Here’s an excerpt of Tito’s interview:

“They are all his children,” says the former Jackson 5 member. “Blanket is Michael’s, I can tell. Those eyes don’t lie. Them eyes are Michael over again. I see a lot of Michael in him. Prince looks just like my grandfather. There’s no question they are Michael’s. They are 100% his. The kids are like three peas in a pod. They remind me of me and my brothers when we were growing up.”


 I mean, who knows?  Stranger things have happened, right?  Get out your Punnett Squares and let’s figure this out! Hm, although on second thought, I understand what Tito’s saying… It might appear that all three of Michael Jackson’s children are caucasian, but so what? You can see a VERY strong resemblance here… Am I right? Or what about here?  That kid is definitely Michael Jackson’s son!  Look at his eyes!  He’s got Joe Jackson written all over him, especially in the jawline and in the attitude department.  Get the switch!!!

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Mischa Barton Put Under "Psychiatric Hold"!!

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

Well, it finally happened.  It seems like Mischa Barton’s been having a pretty tough time since the O.C. got cancelled.  I mean, just those cellulite shots alone.  YIKES!  Anyhoo, she cracked up today.  It’s pretty sad really.  I mean she has quite the reputation for being not-so-nice but maybe it’s because the only thing she’s eaten in the last 4 years is the plastic bag her 8-balls come in.  One time I ate a shiny, red Christmas ball and I’m still smiling… True story.

Hollyscoop reports:
“Guess Mischa Barton’s “medical issue” last night involved a little more than pain from her wisdom teeth! She was placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold, also known as a 5150, by the LAPD last night! 
Access Hollywood reports that she was then transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. According to the code, authorities can hold a person involuntarily if they present a danger to themselves or others, are gravely disabled or suffer from a mental disorder. As you may recall, this same code was used to hold Britney Spears two different times in January 2008. 
The LAPD aren’t commenting on the situation right now. When someone is placed under a 5150, police are prohibited from disclosing the information due to Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. Mischa can legally be held at Cedars for up to 72 hours. 
Just hours ago, Mischa’s rep said she would be skipping tonight’s premiere of her movie Homecoming as a result of her medical situation she had last night. 
Her rep told People, “Police were involved due to Ms. Barton’s celebrity status, to safely transfer her to medical treatment as per doctor’s orders. He also added that Mischa is now “okay and resting.” “
Stay tuned…

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Be Prepared To Burn Your Eyes Out…

Thursday, July 16th, 2009
There’s a period of time during the work day, especially in the summertime, that I like to call the “midday stretch”… It’s right about now.  You’re probably sitting at your desk wondering how on earth you’ll make it through until 6.  Personally, I think it takes something drastic to snap you out of these types of post-lunch work comas like a punch in the face, or waterboarding.  This next video clip will do.  I think it’ll make you want to throw your computer out the window and scissor-kick everyone in your immediate vicinity.  It’ll also make you want to burn out your eyes with an acetylene torch and slam your penis in a door.  Also, please notice the little kid hopping through the pool around 17 seconds in.  What the christ!?  Hopefully one of you have Child Protective Services on speed dial.  You can thank me later, Lil’ Moonbeam.  Enjoy! xo!


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