Archive for August, 2009

Britney & Jamie Lynn Tan With Their Chibren…

Monday, August 31st, 2009

"Oh Dayum, Gurrrl! You got kids too!? You better watch that one, Jayden's given her his 'Horny Eyes'!"

Britney and her younger sister, Jamie Lynn Spears surfaced to tan their children together today in Miami… First of all, I feel like Jamie Lynn is literally 12 and her daughter’s 2… Secondly, who likes her daughter’s string bikini?!  Huh?! Huh!? Who’s feeling that look?! Yee Haw!

No, really… It’s weird because this is obviously some super swank hotel, but couldn’t you just swap out the background for an algae-covered inflatable pool (with a half-eaten chicken wing floating in it) in the back of a trailer and have it make SO much more sense?  Good, me too.  Livin’ the life, ya’ll!

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Wanna See Something REALLY Scary?

Monday, August 31st, 2009

Ok, please take a few moments to savor this clip.  It really is a bona fide slice of total, unadulterated insanity.  It’s a video of a nice, quiet Christmas day at home with another in a series of creepy British dudes and his collection of dolls.

I really have no words, it’s just too crunk.  Incidentally, the “dolls” are life-sized, custom made sex dummies who have interchangeable faces… He likes to photograph them interacting in costumes.  Annnnnnd… I’m pretty sure I’m due back on fucking planet earth in about 15 seconds, so good luck…

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Best Picture Ever: I Love You Ginger Spice

Monday, August 31st, 2009

Tee Hee...

Tee Hee...

Please check out this photo of Ginger Spice (aka Geri Halliwell) trying not to laugh in the face of some German tourist’s penis on the beach in St. Tropez.

I also like this photo because you can tell that the dude is totally pissed the Geri isn’t cast under the spell of his Fik-Shnitzel.  Also, for all ya’ll sickos in the house who wanna see das goods, it’s surprising that Geri didn’t vomit on the spot, because this dude’s dick looks like a melting road-flare

ASIDE: If you looked at that photo on-purpose, you’re one step away from becoming a Branch Dividian, but we can still rock together…

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Kurt Cobain Appears Posthumously In Guitar Hero 5…

Monday, August 31st, 2009
This is awkward...

This is awkward...

Yup, the remaining members of Nirvana, along with that sweet piece of ass, Courtney Love, actually handed over the rights to Smells Like Teen Spirit and Lithium to be used in the upcoming video game.  If that wasn’t weird enough, Kurt will also appear as a PLAYABLE CHARACTER… CREEEPY.

In that past, Ol’ Court has been super vocal about not selling Cobain’s memory and keeping his legacy intact.  In this case, however, she actually handed over footage and photos, as well as hand picked virtual wardrobe pieces to make Kurt’s computer character as authentic as possible, in exchange for a huge payout.

This whole thing is weird, especially in light of Kurt Cobain’s total and complete disdain for selling out and fame as a whole… And also because his character looks more like Dakota Fanning dressed as Kurt Cobain than anything else.

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The Art of The Comeback…

Monday, August 31st, 2009

whitney-ebony

Like I said, she’s still got a little crackpipe in her voice, but Whitney Houston is BACK… Check her out looking a bit older and wiser, but still GORGEOUS on the cover of Ebony… Praise Jesus!

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Chris Brown Doesn’t Remeber Beating Rihanna

Monday, August 31st, 2009

Chris Brown just taped an episode of Larry King… (Live?) that’s slated to air on Wednesday night.  Anyway, in this particular interview, Chris is dressed like Tucker Carlson and basically drums up the same response to each question about what happened the night he beat Rihanna, which is “I’m like… like… wow”.

Then he gets his mother to say that he never had any fights in elementary school.  Someone tell this schmuck to pack it in.  His PR team would have better luck booking Stedman’s boyfriend on an episode of Oprah

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Whoopi Goldberg Kicks Ass

Monday, August 31st, 2009

I give Whoopi Goldberg a ton of credit for a lot of things… not least important of which being that Whoopi manages not to smash Elizabeth Hasselbeck in the head with a frying pan every morning while being forced to endure the inordinately overwhelming amount of ridiculous shit she spews… But, mostly I love Whoopi Goldberg because she’s always on the right side of things and never keeps quiet about it.

Check out this video Whoopi made in support of gay rights in Hungary in preparation for their Gay Right Festival which has been marred with violent and aggressive opposition.  It’s pretty amazing.

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Speaking Of SURGERY

Monday, August 31st, 2009
Who am I?

Who am I?

Ruth just told me that this is what Kim Kardashian looked like yesterday… I’m confused. Either Gandalf the Grey is doing her hair and makeup these days, or someone’s been hanging with Demi… Thoughts?

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Creepy British X-Factor Contestant Is Happy To See You…

Monday, August 31st, 2009

Hm.  I’m not really too sure what to say about this clip.  Steve is British, he seems about 60 years old, but could be 16 and just English… Anyway, it looks like he has a water balloon in his pants.  The judges on X-Factor seem to treat this occurrence like an erection, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.  Maybe he’s smuggling drugs?

Hm.  I used to live in Chelsea and sometimes I feel like I’d see dudes with that weirdo thing in their pants walking down 8th Avenue… Can someone write in to HitDanBack@gmail.com and tell us all what it is… I’m frightened, yet curious…

Anyway, if you subscribe to the “erection theory” this short video clip is, in fact, the horseman of the apocalypse… Enjoy!

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Blatant Liar of the Day: Demi Moore

Monday, August 31st, 2009
Those look natural...

Those look natural...

Demi Moore is a quilt.  Honestly, this woman has more surgery than John Travolta in Boy in the Plastic Bubble.  No, honestly, it’s a fact, she’s completely fabricated at this point.

Anynoo, this snippet from French Marie Claire comes just in time!  My flower boxes were looking fried… Fertilizer anyone?

Says Hollyscoop, in rebuttal to the rumor that she spent $300K on surgery in 2004 alone, Demi reportedly tells France’s Marie Claire magazine for an upcoming story, “It’s completely false. I’ve never had it done. But I would never judge those who have. If it’s the best thing for them, then I don’t see a problem. I don’t like the idea of having an operation to hold up the ageing process – it’s a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won’t make you happy.”

Hey, Demi thanks for that… Incidentally, here’s a photo of Demi leaving a plastic surgeon’s office in Beverly Hills shortly before a tune up… Now she looks like this… and she’s 106 years old… So, you do the math.  No, really… You do it because my Supercomputer self destructed when it tried to load a high resolution photo of Demi’s gargantuan fake tits and, in turn, crossed its eyes, shit its pants and finally imploded.

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