Archive for December, 2009

Happy Birthday Mom & Happy New Year To All!

Thursday, December 31st, 2009
Get it crunk for 2010!

I have to be honest, I'm not sure I remember being in this photo...

That’s right! It’s New Year’s Eve which means two very important things that you should all be aware of!

Most importantly, Happy Birthday to the fiercest Jewess on the Eastern Seaboard! For all ya’ll that don’t know, HitDanBack’s mother is simply the best there is and I’ve got to be the luckiest (gay) son in the universe… I love, love, love you, Mom!

And secondly, all of us at HitDanBack are ridiculously psyched to be heading into a brand spanking new year full of fabulous ish!

You’ve all made this year the absolute best yet! And just to think, a year ago, HitDanBack.com was just a glimmer in his old man’s eye! So, thank all of you so much for making it a reality!

Pop bottles for 2010, everyone! Only wonderful, fantastic days await and we’re dying to see what happens next!

XO,

HDB

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Who Wants To Be Impotent: Jersey Shore’s “Snookie”…

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
Kill me

No... Not "OK!"...

Honestly, the Gandalf the Grey of photoshop couldn’t produce anything this horrifying. This is the sort of thing that belongs in a federal government vault underneath the toilet in the Oval Office along with the photos from Area 51

It’ll make you want to throw your computer out the window and scissor-kick everyone in your office. It’ll also make you want to burn out your eyes with a flamethrower and repeatedly slam your penis in a sliding door.

It’s no use. You could take all of the Viagra left in the world and it’d be a placebo… A placebo that laughs in your face and points at the white flag of surrender waving through the fly of your pants…

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Whitney’s Smoking Crack Again…

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Hand me my pipe, Clive...

"Hand me my pipe, Clive..."

That’s what we hear… Apparently, the stresses of releasing a new album and promoting it have acted as a liaison between Whit-Whit and the glass dick

Sources close to the star have revealed that she’s beginning to exhibit some questionable and familiar behavior:

“Whitney seems to go from being a nervous wreck to being completely out of it in a short period of time – just like she did when she was freebasing and using crack cocaine. She is still drinking and with Whitney, alcohol and drugs have always gone hand-in-hand.”

Say it ain’t so! You know I love me some sober Whitney!

I’m really hoping Bobby just sold this story to the tabloids as revenge for Whitney telling the world he used to paint evil eyes on her bedroom wall (that, although, harmless to a normal human being) would with the addition of freebased crack, keep her awake for weeks on end…

But, just in case it is true… here’s a taste of what we’ve got to look forward to:

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Brad, Angelina and Brood…

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
Daddy... Are you in ZZ Top?

"Daddy... Are you in ZZ Top?"

Here’s a photo of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hanging out on the set of Angie’s re-shoots for her upcoming film, Salt, with two of their numerous offspring…

I’m pretty sure Shiloh and Zahara are at odds over the love of their famous parents…

I think there might be some sort of dialogue going on between them that we’re not privy to, and I think it might go like this:

Zahara: Dad’s beard smells like Jennifer Aniston

Shiloh: You’re a bitch…

Zahara: Your mother looks like a fucking alien.

Shiloh: Yeah, well at least I never ate shrew for dinner…

The End.

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Breaking News: Bomb Scare At VOGUE!

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
Sizzlin'...

Turkey's done!

Whoah! Conde Nast (which houses Vogue) just evacuated their building in Times Square.

A source close to my heart, who is on staff at a Condé Nast, tells us that elevators at the 4 Times Square building were turned off as staff from several publications had to walk down 16 flights of stairs… in heels! Gurrrrrl!

We hear NY1 is not yet covering this story because George Whipple is having his eyebrows shot off with an acetylene torch in preparation for 2010…

Stay tuned!

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I Guess I’ll Be The Mother Of Two…

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Little Epiphany and Baby Minelli...

Little Epifany and Baby Judy Garland...

Listen, as the years pass me by, I’m becoming more and more enamored with the idea of having a large, attractive family

Remember last week how I told you that I’d be adopting the 4 year old boy who got drunk, put on a dress, broke into his neighbor’s house and stole all of their Christmas presents? Sure you do!

Well, it looks like my family’s got another little bundle of joy on the way… and he’s musically inclined… Just like his Daddies!

Check him out:

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Even People In Jail Hate Mel Gibson!

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
¿Están los judíos en México?

¿Están los Judíos en México?

No, really! You might think that only Jews, Malibu residents, Mel’s first wife, cops, women who prefer not to be called “Sugartits”, and Jesus Christ are the only people out there who despise Mel Gibson… But you’d be wrong…

You see, Mel’s on what I like to call a “hot streak” which means that since he convinced a Malibu judge to expunge his drunk driving / assaulting a police officer conviction, he feels like it’s all Mad Max all over again.

Case in point, Mel’s planning on shooting some sort of prison movie in Mexico in January which requires that all inmates be transferred to some unknown location until Mel wraps his Mexican masterpiece

So, basically, all of the people who visit those prisoners will be unable to see them, or even know they’re locale for months on end, pending the completion of Mel’s kampf… Classy move, right?

I’m not sure if you guys knew, but I as a proud member of the Australian Film Institute, I’ve been able to secure an advance copy of the film Mel intends to finish at the prison…

Check it out, Sugartits…

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VIDEO: Desperate (Rotund) Housewives…

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Hot shit...

Hot shit...

Am I the only person who’s still totally obsessed with Desperate Housewives? I might be…

Am I the only person who got excited by the preview clip below of Teri Hatcher in a fat suit? For sure.

Ch-ch-check it out:

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Happy Birthday Heidi Fleiss!

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
Birds have penises too...

Birds have penises too...

Seriously, I would have bet money on the fact that Heidi Fleiss was at least 73… But, apparently she’s only 44!

Pictured above with her collection of tropical parrots, Heidi now spends most of her time secluded on some whacko cultish ranch in Nevada where she continues to attempt to construct a legal male prostitute “stud farm“…

Incidentally, I believe Heidi’s life can best be expressed in her made-for-tv biography, entitled “Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss“, in which she’s brilliantly portrayed by The Sopranos’Jamie Lynn Sigler

Happy Birthday! I still love ya, ya old meth-head! xoxo

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Rosie’s Off The Market!

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
Sapphic!

Sapphic!

To be totally honest, I’m not sure if this is Rosie’s new whoah-man (who incidentally reminds me of Jenna Jameson)… But I have a hunch she might be the one…

You might remember that Rosie split up with her longtime partner, Kelly about three months ago… But that’s only about 30 seconds in lesbian time. So, it’s great to see Old Mc O’Donnell with some brand new female company!

She looks pretty happy, right?

But dats wha happen when bawdies start slappin’… from doin da wild thanggggg!

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