Archive for February, 2010

Lady Gaga’s Bodyguard: “I Could Leave Town Tonight”…

Friday, February 26th, 2010
Dont look at her... Look straight ahead...

"Don't look at her... Look straight ahead..."

Here’s a photo of Lady Gaga and the poor bastard whose job it is to carry her bag of ugly shit…

I’d imagine that in the course of a man’s life, there come a few moments when he re-evaluates his career and life-goals…

For me, one of these incidences happened when I realized that it was time for me to forge ahead on my own and work for myself, no matter the consequence or sacrifice…

For Lady Gaga’s bodyguard, it seems as if he had that moment of reckoning last night when she showed up wearing two enormous, stupid fucking feather-covered horns and expected him not to simultaneously burst into hysterical laughter and burn her at the stake for conjuring spirits in the woods with “Tituba”…

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Avril Lavigne Is A Huge Star…

Friday, February 26th, 2010
XOXO, Jello Mold...

"XOXO, Jello Mold..."

Here’s a great photo of major music star Avril Lavigne leaving a VIP party in Los Angeles last night…

I like this photograph because she’s literally signing her autograph on a glamour-shot of a strawberry Jello mold…

That must be a pretty good feeling for Avril because it’s probably been a relatively long time since someone asked her to sign anything besides divorce papers or some sort of horrifying still from a vampire movie…

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Blind Item: Guess The A-List Subservient Wife-to-Be!

Friday, February 26th, 2010

"That's what I heard..." ... "Bitch, please..."

"That's what I heard..." ... "Bitch, please..."

Eh-hem… A few weeks ago, we saw this singer guest star on a popular TV show, and definitely saw the bitch coming out. Well, now we kind of understand why she and her fiance get along so well. Guess which wacky singer said that her husband-to-be is…

“A walking genius. Just standing next to him makes me smarter. He’s good for me… He’s the boss, he calls the shots. But I like that. I’ve been waiting for someone I couldn’t steamroll.”

Yeah, he looks like he would call the shots…and look good doing it too. That british accent would have anyone obeying.

Know the answer!? Email: HitDanBack@gmail.com !

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Kirk Cameron Implies That Andrew Koenig’s Going To Hell…

Friday, February 26th, 2010
Lets talk about eternity...

"Let's talk about eternity..."

Sadly, actor Andrew Koenig’s (who played “Boner” on Growing Pains) body was discovered in a Canadian public park today after his missing for a week.

Apparently, Andrew had spent much of his adult life in a depression and finally decided to commit suicide, which is totally, unbelievably awful and sad…

Cue born-again anus, Kirk Cameron to reflect some flashbulbs on Jesus:

“At a time like this, we all are reminded of the briefness of life and the importance of being ready for our eternal destination. My prayers will continue to be with Andrew’s family.”

Kirk has quite a way with words, huh?

Anyhoo, shortly following the release of Kirk’s statement, Hell released the following memo:

Kirk -

Anytime you’re ready, buddy…

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VIDEO: Vintage Ke$ha…

Friday, February 26th, 2010

$hitty...

Adole$cent...

I won’t sugarcoat this video… It’s fucking horrible.

Ke$ha’s 13 years old and performing at her middle school talent show… and she’s singing Radiohead

By virtue of the fact that she sucks so bad, this clip is worth a brief viewing…

Just skip to the middle, watch for 10 seconds, and then go outside and bury your computer…

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The Canadian Women’s Hockey Team Are Delicate Flowers…

Friday, February 26th, 2010
Where the hos at, ayeeee?

"Where the ho's at, ayeeee?"

Last night Canada’s female hockey team beat the crap out of the US team, clinching their Gold Medal status…

Here’s a photo of a Canadian team member, demurely celebrating her victory on the ice, shortly after the game’s end.

Sadly, the ridiculously feminine team members’ joy was put on hold by the International Olympic Committee, as they plan to punish the ladies for smoking cigars and cracking open a cold Molson on the ice…

That seems pretty harsh! Certainly after years of hard training, these women deserve to celebrate their victory and blow off a little steam…

And when I say “celebrate their victory”, I mean throw on a trucker hat, some hunter’s plaid and hit “Canadian Beaver“, Vancouver’s most elite female entertainment establishment…

And when I say “blow off some steam”, I mean blasting The Indigo Girls while eating hot maple butter off a stripper’s taint…

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Lord, Hear My Prayer…

Friday, February 26th, 2010
Can I get an Amen?

Can I get an Amen?

I sure hope this works, guys…

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Blind Item: Guess The LA Couple Moving To NYC!

Friday, February 26th, 2010
"That's what I heard..." ... "Bitch, please..."

"That's what I heard..." ... "Bitch, please..."

Eh-hem… This low profile couple may hardly be in the news, but we always hope to catch a glimpse of them here and there, and it looks like they’ll soon be walking all over NYC. Guess which gorgeous couple just sold their $4.5 million dollar LA home and bought a $2 million dollar penthouse on the Upper East Side of New York?

She may have moved to LA once they got married, but she’s a total city girl at heart, and even starring in a broadway play. They may continue to hide under their big sunglasses and hats, but it seems New York is going to get a little hotter…even if he is from Canada!

Know the answer!? Email: HitDanBack@gmail.com !

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“Miss Beverly Hills” Hates Gays…

Friday, February 26th, 2010

Dullard...

Dullard...

Miss Beverly Hills, Lauren Ashley pissed off the gays yesterday by backing up her non-support of gay marriage with a quote from Leviticus which says that homosexuals should be executed…

Obviously, by the looks of Ashley, shortly after her comment, her hair stylist, makeup artist, wardrobe assistant, team of dermatologists, and dietician all quit, because this bitch is toe-up…

Oh, and then Lauren started to talk and, all of a sudden, I wasn’t angry at her anymore…

Holding an idiot of this magnitude accountable for anything they had to say would be like sucker-punching a pig for knocking over your soda…

Enjoy:

View more news videos at: http://www.nbclosangeles.com/video.

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Taylor Swift Is A Dangerous Russian Robot…

Friday, February 26th, 2010
This is a cartoon, right?

This is a cartoon, right?

Here’s Taylor Swift on the cover of Russian tabloid “Oops“…

I’m going to go ahead and say that we should probably start mobilizing now before the Russians are able to infiltrate the United States with bizarro, robot Taylor Swift…

As a matter of fact, we can’t really be sure if the “real” Taylor Swift isn’t also actually some sort of Communist droid posing as a squeaky clean, tone-deaf, Christian virgin

We’ll have to throw her in some federal prison with no windows and sound-proof walls because one moment she’s strumming her guitar and the next we’re on a 3-day long bread line, people…

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