Sage...

No, I swear this is true… The New York Post has hired ex-call girl, Ashley Dupre, to be their new advice columnist… This is the woman who was the hired prostitute that enjoyed unprotected sex and other fetishistic and sadomasochistic activity with the then married Governor…

Anyhoo, I’m pretty sure I’d rather take advice from Gargamel from The Smurfs, or Dan Quayle, or a Magic Eight-Ball, or an 8-ball of meth, or Amy Winehouse rather than Ashley Dupre…

Well, maybe not Amy Winehouse, but it’s a toss-up…

But, check out Ashley’s new gig… But, only if you have a strong stomach… and a sense of humor:

Mad as heck!

Hey! Phew, it’s been so long since we got true-blue hate mail on HitDanBack! Ok, well not that long…

Anyhoo, this sweet comment comes to us from “Chuck” from Orange County, California. I think he does a pretty thorough job of representing Sarah Palin’s fan base.

Check it out:

you libs are un-believeable. Your all so scared of Sarah Palin. She is a powerful woman and you dike types only like that in women that share your low value code. Unreal!!!

Thanks for your feedback, Chuck! I agree with you, us libs are “unbelievable” (which isn’t hyphenated, but the way… Oh, and your “Your” should read “You’re” because it’s a contraction).

To be perfectly honest, I believe I can speak for most other liberals when I say that we aren’t scared of Sarah Palin. Mostly, at this point, we’re amused by her buffoonery (look up that last word if you need to).

Incidentally, I’m tickled that you called me a “dike” (which regulates water levels). I’m sure you meant to reference the derogatory slang for lesbian (which is spelled “dyke”, actually). Why, that opens up a whole other fascinating can of worms!

I’m curious. Did you stumble upon HitDanBack and think I was actually a lesbian? I guess “Dan” could be a woman’s name… and looking at my photo on the header of the page, I can sort of see it, in a Jennifer from Top Chef kind of way… which is awesome!

To be perfectly honest, I’m excited that you found me so butch, you little cutie! Pardon me, Chuck, but I’m going to start doing twice as many push ups at the gym just to live up to my new image! Thank you very much!

Anyhoo, thanks so much for loving HitDanBack, I have to get back to my “low value code”… and keep reading… in general… anything you can get your hands on… please.

XO,

“Dan”

"Miss Puss..."

I know you loved Propecia The Crack Ho… But this is pretty impressive… Ask The Fruitcake Lady is a delicious addition to Jay Leno, so she’s slightly more tame than Propecia.  But manages to give some pretty incredible advice, especially around he 2:30 mark… Learn it, live it, love it… xo.

Not trying to hear that... at all...

Hey all!  Today’s question comes to us from “STILLinSHOCK”… Check it out!

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Dear Dan,

So I went on a date with this seemingly cool guy. Things went fairly well even though he’s slightly overweight and smokes. I thought I could get over that because I’m not that shallow. We talked a few nights after the date until I realized I’d prefer a muscular non-smoker. Thinking he’d take this well, especially since we’ve only talked no more than 5 days, I told him I wasn’t feeling it. He then proceeded to freak out as if we’ve been dating for years. I mean this dude was crazier than a fucking coconut. He kept insisting he was a catch and I was missing out.

Here’s my question. Is there any easy way to pinpoint the psychos when you first meet them? Also, what should I do if this crazy tries to hunt me down?

Sincerely,

STILLinSHOCK

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Dear STILLinSHOCK,

There is definite a gray area when shallow comes into play. Being honest about what you prefer in another person is never shallow. So, if you prefer a non fatty with lung cancer on the side, then that’s totally fine!  So, go with what you like and try not to lead a guy on (which I don’t believe you did) if you’re not interested.

If you date a guy you think you’ll like, you most likely won’t have to worry about him being a psycho. And, if he does go insane, just buy some mace and go hog-wild… Then possibly, he’ll  think you’re the crazy one and leave you alone. That’s a little trick I picked up in the clink…

Truth be told, there’s no true way to “spot a psycho”… And conversely, a little craziness is sometimes sexy… I mean, if it weren’t, I’d never get any dates at all. xo

DISCLAIMER:  This advice column is NOT meant to be taken truthfully or literally.  HitDanBack.com is NOT a professional advice forum and HitDanBack is not a professionally licensed therapist, doctor, pal, or confidant.  In fact, he is the person who repeatedly has a light beer on ice (actually, it’s called a “Char-Char”), gets crunk and walks into sliding glass doors.  Would you seriously ask that person for directions to the bathroom… let alone life advice?  If you would, you’re sicker than I thought… But I like you.

Gimma sumadeeez kwestjunz!

Thank god it’s Friday! I mean for reals, this has been a loooong week!  But we’re in the home stretch, so why don’t you just relax and let Propecia, The Crack Ho take it from here… Man, this woman’s like Yoda… I swear I haven’t ever heard such good advice!  Tell it, girl!