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Holy Mother of God...
Contrary to popular belief, Betty White will not be hosting SNL this weekend, because Jude Law’s doing the job with musical guest, Pearl Jam…
Look. We all know Jude Law probably has the heart of some sort of devious, blood-thirsty monster who traded their soul for Jude’s face (which seems like a fucking steal, by the way)…
But let’s be honest, I think most of us would pay good money to watch him eat lunch, or do Lord of the Dance, or crap his pants…
Or, in my case, seductively light a menorah… Don’t judge.
On that note, here are a few of his SNL promos for this weekend:
Holy shit, mama! Is it hot in here, or what?!
Oftentimes, I feel like it’s important to remember how ridiculously attractive Jude Law is…
In fact, that might be what this post is REALLY about…
So, therefore NYPD, try not to focus on the mysterious, flamboyant stalker who’s taken up residence in a tent outside the SNL studios at 30 Rock… and was previously investigated for humping a television in BestBuy that just happened to be playing a BluRay disc of Gattaca…
Yeah, how cares about him, anyway! Ha!
Hey, does anyone remember that scene in The Talented Mr. Ripley when Jude Law takes a bath? I sure do.
Yeah, that’s what this post is REALLY about… Read between the lines, people…
Youch!
Here’s a video that I thought you might like…
Last night Chelsea Handler was a guest on Jimmy Fallon’s late night show that nobody watches…
Anyhoo, Jimmy decided to have some sort of martini making contest with Chelsea that involved running through the audience with cocktails and culminated with Jimmy eating shit hardcore and receiving a shower of vodka and broken glass…
Which, to be honest, is basically known as “Sunday evening” at my house…
Enjoy:
C'est bon!
Rush Limbaugh took time out of his busy pill-for-sex trade to address the issue of ex-New York Congressman, Eric Massa’s resignation…
Never one to turn down the opportunity to shift his buffoonery into turbo – rip a hole in the space/time continuum mode, Limbaugh made some sort of lowbrow, racist pun about New York Governor, David Paterson choosing the fallen congressman’s replacement, therefore becoming a “Massa”…
Said Rush to a phone-in caller:
CALLER: I am reasonably sure that Paterson will be appointing the replacement, assuming that he, you know, doesn’t resign in the next 60 or 90 days.
LIMBAUGH: Let’s assume you’re right. So, David Paterson will become the massa –
CALLER: Yes.
LIMBAUGH: — who gets to appoint whoever gets to take Massa’s place. So, for the first time in his life, Paterson’s gonna be a massa. Interesting, interesting.
Check it out, but be prepared for idiocy to wash over you like an ocean…
Or, if not an ocean, a really fat dude with horrible breath:
Great…
I’d imagine there aren’t too many more unabashedly, profoundly repulsive people on earth than Rush Limbaugh… I mean, honestly…
That being said, one time, in law school, I just couldn’t seem to stay awake and I had this ridiculously long brief to write and only 4 hours to do it…
Anyhoo, Rush traded me some dolls for a Big Mac…
That bitch practically wrote itself…
"Let's get pissed..."
In order to promote the fourth season on Mad Men, Mattel has decided to create and distribute a Joan, Roger, Don and Betty doll for the bargain price of $75 apiece…
Obviously, someone made some sort of a heinous oversight here because Joan’s doll has breasts the size of flounder cutlets, when in reality, her tetas could strangle a virile horse…
Obviously, there must be some concrete reasoning behind Mattel’s decision to alter Joan’s assets…
I’d imagine it probably has to do with the architectural and mathematical proportions of the doll itself…
For instance, giving Joan’s doll a size “36 – Triple- Holy Fucking Shit” bust would probably cause it to be unsteady on its feet and topple…
Well, topple, then slam through the unfortunate table that it was placed upon, then through the floor, and deep into the earth’s crust, until finally turning the oceans inside-out and causing all of our toilets to flush counterclockwise…
You know, like in Australia…
"Bzzzzzzzzzz..."
Here’s a photo of Ice-T’s wife, Coco, laying inside of a tanning bed…
I’ve decided to blur out Coco’s titanic ass and gargantuan fake breasts with two enormous stars…
If you dare, you can see the uncensored photograph my clicking here…
Happy now? Good.
Incidentally, are you curious about where her vagina went?
I am, because she’s basically got a cloud of black smoke hovering between her legs, and it looks like someone replaced her head with that of a small, tan baby with Plutonium eyeballs…
Anyhoo, I just thought you should know that I obviously care about my straight male/lesbian readership… a lot.
Posting a photograph like this is pretty much the equivalent of penis-kryptonite for a gay dude.
Actually. Who am I kidding… I’m done after seeing that photo…
I could have the most state-of-the-art penis pump installed and I’d still wake up the morning after the surgery all hopeful, only to find a tiny steel bb in the shape of a teardrop rattling around in my underwear…
That’s right… Coco made my mechanical junk cry…
"Gimme a babyyyyyy..."
Here’s the cover of the new W Magazine which features cast mates and sometime ugly-bumpers, Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler…
To be honest, I can’t actually be sure if that’s Gerard Butler because it seems as if W Magazine hired fucking Merlin to do their photo retouching (again)… But, let’s go with it anyway…
I’d imagine shooting this cover probably wasn’t easy…
Obviously, Jen had to be convinced to sit of Gerard’s lap, whilst also making some sort of “sexually aroused / tortured” hybrid of a face… This is the sort of thing that takes some finesse and cajoling…
I’d imagine it went something like this:
W Magazine: “Jen, can we get a shot of you sitting on Gerard’s lap?
Jennifer: “Yeah, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that… Especially after all of my bad press with John Mayer…”
W Magazine: “Oh, no, totally… We get it… Although, you know…That’s how you make a baby… and sometimes, accidents happen…”
(Gerard is knocked unconscious with a breast-pump, thrown to the ground while Jen slams herself into his pelvis, clawing at the dirt, and howling…)
The End.
"Hello, Sailor!"
I’m not sure if you guys have been following the ongoing saga of ex-New York State Congressman, Eric Massa…
If not, you totally should, because this dude completely lost his fucking marbles and his story has all sorts of twists and turns, and gay groping, and shower scenes, and impending death!
To sum it up, Massa (who actually resigned his post on the 5th) has been a vocal opponent of the President’s health reform package… And then all of a sudden, he was accused to grabbing five of his intern’s and staffer’s cock ‘n balls at a party and jiggling them around (too bad he’s not hiring)…
Then Massa defended himself by saying he’s a married man with kids and was in the Navy… So, obviously, he couldn’t be gay…
But then, a dude who served with him came forward being like “Yeah, he might like the penis”…
Then, Massa lost his shit, said he might be dying of some brain disorder, resigned his post, and told this story about how White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel (aka the Robert Downey Jr. of Pennsylvania Avenue) accosted him while they were both nude in a shower… Ding-ding-ding!
Said Congressman Grabby Hands:
“Let me tell you a story about Rahm Emanuel,” Massa started. “I was a congressman in my first eight weeks, and I was in the congressional gym, and I went down and I worked out and I went into the showers…I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn’t going to vote for the president’s budget. Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?”
Yeah, anyhoo…
If someone could come over and explain that paragraph to me, it’d be great.
To be honest, I had to excuse myself briefly after,
“here comes Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his…”
… and just never got to finishing the rest of Eric’s kookamunga manifesto…
Anyway, stay tuned!
This dude is on the fast-track to Crazytown!
"I love you" ... "I love you too, but I'm-a-eat you..."
Here’s a ten second clip from the upcoming film extravaganza, Twilight: Eclipse…
In it, you’ll find both Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson looking super tortured, while Taylor Lautner traipses through the scene, littering it with werewolf hair… and boners…
Enjoy:
At least they're not turned off by "the motion of the ocean"...
Finally, a news-in-print publication that isn’t a afraid to get to the root of the problem…
“Penis-Envy”, although found predominantly in women can also be an anticipatory cause of anxiety in men with abnormally small penises…
This certainly sheds new light on all that Republican filibustering, no?