(fart)

And I love you too, so much…

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So?

Yipes!

Jersey Shore star, Snooki, was arrested today in Seaside Heights, NJ. for disorderly conduct!

As of right now, she is in prison…

And still the fucking dumbest person in the room… by far…

Stay tuned!

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"See ya!"

Man…

On the heels of Larry King’s announcement that he is retiring in the fall, CNN has announced that America’s Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan (who I find oddly sexy) has officially taken over for the talk show host…

That was fast…

In other news, when I was, like, ten years old, one time my mother fell asleep during Larry King (which is her favorite show of all fucking time), and I guess she was leaning on her wrist in a weird way and her hand fell asleep…

Anyhoo, all of a sudden, Larry had a coughing-jag, and it woke her up and (out of nowhere) she moaned, “Mmmm, poor Larry King...”.

And my sister and I were all, “Um. Why?”…

To which, my mother shot up off of the sofa (half-asleep), gave us this death-glare, and pointed her crinked, pins and needles hand at us and screamed, “Whaddya mean, why!? His hand is paralyzed!!!“…

So, the moral of the story is, Larry might be hanging up his suspenders, but he’s lucky as hell that he doesn’t live in my mother’s dreams…

Because, if he did, then he’d be a mummified retiree… with a kooky, paralyzed hand…

UPDATE: My mother just called me and said:

“I’m feeling very emotional about Larry…

He’s got a certain “Jewishness” or kind of style that we don’t see anymore… and “a look”…

Piers Morgan? Who’s he? I won’t watch him…

He knows how to conduct and interview and didn’t let anyone get away with anything…

I’ll tell you that much…

I have to go, I want a salad.”

[Click]

Ding!

The End.

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Not gon' cry... It's not the time...

Ugh, douse your computer in toilet paper and Febreze…

This is probably some sort of crazy, bullshit press-trick, but apparently, Heidi Montag filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt today citing irreconcilable differences…

Oh. The drama.

Her lawyer says:

“Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement. Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce.”

Obviously, bitches is broke… Ok?

I mean, honestly, I hope Heidi doesn’t die, because that’d be a shit-load of extra plastic waste that I feel like our planet can’t handle right now…

Whatever, who even gives a shit…

Certainly not “Scary Laughing Baby”…

He was “Team LC” all along…

This is so fucking awesome, I literally can’t stand it:

(Love you for this, Puddin’)

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"That's what I heard..." ... "Bitch, please..."

Well, look…

Lots of people don’t like Facebook…

Conversely, lots of people also love Facebook…

Lots of people don’t like anal probing…

And, conversely, lots of people love it…

Guess which A-List actor might protest too much against both by saying:

“I would rather have a prostate exam on live television by a guy with very cold hands than have a Facebook page.”

Listen, honey…

That can be arranged…

Know the answer?

Email: HitDanBack@gmail.com !

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RAWWWWR!

He’s a photo of “Gossip Girl’s” Ed Westwick at some party with Bigfoot’s shorn-ass glued to his chest…

I like this photo because you can see how sad David Duchovny is in the background…

Obviously, all the paps were clamoring to get a shot of all that hair, and poor David just got lost in the mix…

Another thing is that this photo probably officially classifies Ed as an “otter“ in the gay world…

Which is interesting because, for a long time, he was hung-up on Blair, who’s a “Social Twink“, but then Jenny lost her virginity to him, and she’s a “Williamsburg Hipster Gay“…

And somewhere along the line, he obviously banged Nate (who’s a dirty-rotten Jock-Sniffer) too…

Man, this dude gets around…

Duchovny’s probably all, “And I’m the one who had to go to sex-rehab?”…

The End.

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"Bladablahblahhh"

Ok, look…

I don’t care if you hate gorgeous Britney’s guts.

I don’t care if you “don’t get” performance art.

This video, by performance artist Erin Markey is the funniest goddamned fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

If you only start watching at 1:10 and go through the end, you should see the glimmer of pure brilliance that has touched my soul.

And, perhaps, my “nether regions”…

Enjoy:

(Via OMG! Blog)

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Apocalypse...

Tara Reid went out last night in St. Tropez, while on vacation with her (gay) fiance, Michael Axtmann…

Apparently, she decided not to wear panties.

Although, I’ll level with you…

I can’t be sure that’s true, because there’s a chewed wad of gum where her vagina should be…

A chewed wad of gum, left there by some sort of warlock, because it retains the mystical powers to make you want to burn out your eyes with an acetylene torch and repeatedly slam your penis in a sliding door.

Click here to immediately find yourself in hell.

The End.

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Not bad...

Well, she might be insane and ferociously stupid…

But, the woman knows how to stuff a pair of spandex shorts!

And, sometimes, you guys, that’s all you need…

Know the answer?

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"I'm not tired..."

Lots of people have been saying that the other inmates in Lindsay’s prison block are all pissed off about the fact that she gets special treatment because she’s so famous…

Apparently, Lindsay gets to have a cellphone, extended visits with her family and lesbian lover, and even snacks on Ben & Jerry’s contraband.

Luckily, Dina Lohan, who went yesterday to Lynwood Correctional Center, says that Lindsay has no privileges that aren’t afforded to the other prisoners, saying:

“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on… She’s treated like a common criminal.”

Cool.

Here’s a question…

Why do I think it’s so fucking funny that Lindsay doesn’t have a pillow?

Oh, mostly because this bitch hasn’t slept a wink in three years because she’s been awake blowing lines, crying, and dripping hot wax on her wretched-ass assistant…

For what, a pillow?

She would have just pulled out all the feathers and stuffed the case with dildos and crack rock…

On the other hand…

Holy shit, Lindsay and I are SO on the same wavelength, it’s not even fucking funny, you guys…

It’s like when twins have the same dreams…

The End.

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