(fart)
And I love you too, so much…
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TV Archive
Something To Kick Off The Weekend Right…
Friday, July 30th, 2010
Snooki Arrested!!!
Friday, July 30th, 2010
So?
Yipes!
Jersey Shore star, Snooki, was arrested today in Seaside Heights, NJ. for disorderly conduct!
As of right now, she is in prison…
And still the fucking dumbest person in the room… by far…
Stay tuned!
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Larry King Officially Replaced… I’m Sorry, Mom…
Friday, July 30th, 2010
"See ya!"
Man…
On the heels of Larry King’s announcement that he is retiring in the fall, CNN has announced that America’s Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan (who I find oddly sexy) has officially taken over for the talk show host…
That was fast…
In other news, when I was, like, ten years old, one time my mother fell asleep during Larry King (which is her favorite show of all fucking time), and I guess she was leaning on her wrist in a weird way and her hand fell asleep…
Anyhoo, all of a sudden, Larry had a coughing-jag, and it woke her up and (out of nowhere) she moaned, “Mmmm, poor Larry King...”.
And my sister and I were all, “Um. Why?”…
To which, my mother shot up off of the sofa (half-asleep), gave us this death-glare, and pointed her crinked, pins and needles hand at us and screamed, “Whaddya mean, why!? His hand is paralyzed!!!“…
So, the moral of the story is, Larry might be hanging up his suspenders, but he’s lucky as hell that he doesn’t live in my mother’s dreams…
Because, if he did, then he’d be a mummified retiree… with a kooky, paralyzed hand…
UPDATE: My mother just called me and said:
“I’m feeling very emotional about Larry…
He’s got a certain “Jewishness” or kind of style that we don’t see anymore… and “a look”…
Piers Morgan? Who’s he? I won’t watch him…
He knows how to conduct and interview and didn’t let anyone get away with anything…
I’ll tell you that much…
I have to go, I want a salad.”
[Click]
Ding!
The End.
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Heidi Montag Files For Divorce!
Friday, July 30th, 2010
Not gon' cry... It's not the time...
Ugh, douse your computer in toilet paper and Febreze…
This is probably some sort of crazy, bullshit press-trick, but apparently, Heidi Montag filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt today citing irreconcilable differences…
Oh. The drama.
Her lawyer says:
“Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement. Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce.”
Obviously, bitches is broke… Ok?
I mean, honestly, I hope Heidi doesn’t die, because that’d be a shit-load of extra plastic waste that I feel like our planet can’t handle right now…
Whatever, who even gives a shit…
Certainly not “Scary Laughing Baby”…
He was “Team LC” all along…
This is so fucking awesome, I literally can’t stand it:
(Love you for this, Puddin’)
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Blake Lively Is A Fucking Knockout…
Friday, July 30th, 2010
DAYUM!
I’m not sure if you guys were able to pick up on my subtle hints…
But, although you might not believe it…
Yes, I’m a HOMOSEXUAL…
I know.
Take a minute.
That being said, Blake Lively showed up at some shitty movie premiere in New York last night wearing the ugliest fucking dress I’ve ever seen, and she still looked ridiculously hot…
I’m not one to give compliments readily, but that dress looks like it just got run over by a truck and covered in frozen puke, and nobody even noticed…
Well, you know, except me…
You should also know that, one time, I saw Blake on the street and I followed her into a deli…
And I think she was wise to it, because she kept turning around to look back at me, like I was a stalker…
Which I am.
So, finally I spazzed out and had to pretend I was buying one of those disgusting sesame seed candies.
Except I got so nervous, that I picked it up, and screamed at the cashier:
“I mean, what’s in this!? Just seeds!?”
Then she hailed a cab…
The End.
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