(fart)

And I love you too, so much…

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So?

Yipes!

Jersey Shore star, Snooki, was arrested today in Seaside Heights, NJ. for disorderly conduct!

As of right now, she is in prison…

And still the fucking dumbest person in the room… by far…

Stay tuned!

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"See ya!"

Man…

On the heels of Larry King’s announcement that he is retiring in the fall, CNN has announced that America’s Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan (who I find oddly sexy) has officially taken over for the talk show host…

That was fast…

In other news, when I was, like, ten years old, one time my mother fell asleep during Larry King (which is her favorite show of all fucking time), and I guess she was leaning on her wrist in a weird way and her hand fell asleep…

Anyhoo, all of a sudden, Larry had a coughing-jag, and it woke her up and (out of nowhere) she moaned, “Mmmm, poor Larry King...”.

And my sister and I were all, “Um. Why?”…

To which, my mother shot up off of the sofa (half-asleep), gave us this death-glare, and pointed her crinked, pins and needles hand at us and screamed, “Whaddya mean, why!? His hand is paralyzed!!!“…

So, the moral of the story is, Larry might be hanging up his suspenders, but he’s lucky as hell that he doesn’t live in my mother’s dreams…

Because, if he did, then he’d be a mummified retiree… with a kooky, paralyzed hand…

UPDATE: My mother just called me and said:

“I’m feeling very emotional about Larry…

He’s got a certain “Jewishness” or kind of style that we don’t see anymore… and “a look”…

Piers Morgan? Who’s he? I won’t watch him…

He knows how to conduct and interview and didn’t let anyone get away with anything…

I’ll tell you that much…

I have to go, I want a salad.”

[Click]

Ding!

The End.

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Not gon' cry... It's not the time...

Ugh, douse your computer in toilet paper and Febreze…

This is probably some sort of crazy, bullshit press-trick, but apparently, Heidi Montag filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt today citing irreconcilable differences…

Oh. The drama.

Her lawyer says:

“Heidi has amended her petition for separation and today has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner in an out of court settlement. Both parties are amicable with each other and over the possibility of finalizing their divorce.”

Obviously, bitches is broke… Ok?

I mean, honestly, I hope Heidi doesn’t die, because that’d be a shit-load of extra plastic waste that I feel like our planet can’t handle right now…

Whatever, who even gives a shit…

Certainly not “Scary Laughing Baby”…

He was “Team LC” all along…

This is so fucking awesome, I literally can’t stand it:

(Love you for this, Puddin’)

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DAYUM!

I’m not sure if you guys were able to pick up on my subtle hints…

But, although you might not believe it…

Yes, I’m a HOMOSEXUAL…

I know.

Take a minute.

That being said, Blake Lively showed up at some shitty movie premiere in New York last night wearing the ugliest fucking dress I’ve ever seen, and she still looked ridiculously hot…

I’m not one to give compliments readily, but that dress looks like it just got run over by a truck and covered in frozen puke, and nobody even noticed…

Well, you know, except me…

You should also know that, one time, I saw Blake on the street and I followed her into a deli…

And I think she was wise to it, because she kept turning around to look back at me, like I was a stalker…

Which I am.

So, finally I spazzed out and had to pretend I was buying one of those disgusting sesame seed candies.

Except I got so nervous, that I picked it up, and screamed at the cashier:

“I mean, what’s in this!? Just seeds!?”

Then she hailed a cab…

The End.

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Gross...

American Idol finally fucking pink-slipped Kara Dioguardi…

On the same day that Ellen Degeneres quit, and FOX hired Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler to fill their shoes…

This is going to be the fucking freakiest season, ever…

I have no fucking idea what Kara did that FOX thought qualified her to judge a singing competition, but I’m glad she’s gone.

Mostly, I’m glad because watching Kara talk about music was like watching a goat talk about macroeconomics…

Well, you know, without the obvious sexual subtext…

The End.

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"Run and tell that! Homeboy..."

Uh.

This is a news story about a break-in and attempted rape.

It also happens to be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

I know those two things don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand, but what can I say?

If you don’t think “Antoine Dodson” deserves an Oscar for his brilliant fucking portrayal of “Gay  &  Crazy”, you need to check yourself…

Immediately.

Enjoy:

(Via Dlisted)

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"Snooki!?"

Um.

President Obama appeared on “The View” this morning…

Which depresses the fuck out of me…

Look, I love me some Barack, but I just don’t get it…

Maybe it’s just that I think “The View” sucks so badly…

I’d prefer he made a guest appearance on “Yo Gabba Gabba!“…

Am I the only one?

Check it out:

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Zach Galif^absudk**nfd+sfdgkf_jdbgskis

I’m not sure why I’m stalking Funny or Die lately…

But, I’m relatively positive that if Funny or Die had a penis (even a tiny, baby carrot penis), it’d be perfect.

Please watch Michael Cera guest star on Zach Galifianakis’ show “Between Two Ferns”…

It’s brilliant.

Also, don’t ever, ever try to spell Zach Galifianakis’ last name because it’ll make your eyes bleed…

If you don’t have a lot of time, please just watch from around 2:20…

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"Bahhhhhhh..."

I don’t know what to say about Mischa anymore…

I mean, her career is fucked.

End of story.

On the other hand, is there a difference between “SELF DESTRUCTING” and actually dying?

I hope so.

Obviously, I’m probably not helping the cause of her “staying alive” by saying, “here she is looking like weird-ass Chloe Sevigny’s retarded older sister”…

The End.

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