Uh...
Here’s a video that I think you might like by the folks over at Funny or Die…
It features Heidi Montag, whose face looks like a latex quilt doused in vaseline, and whose breast implants make my penis turn itself inside out like some sort of traumatized gym sock…
I couldn’t really tell you what the gist of Heidi’s joke is, only because my own aimless screams drowned out the sound of my computer…
Enjoy:
"Tastes like Seacrest..."
Here’s a video of Simon Cowell on Jay Leno last night…
This is actually interesting because Simon is forced to be affectionate with his fiance, Mezhgan Hussainy (whose first name is basically the Rubik’s Cube of names and continues to keep me up at night, toiling…)…
Anyhoo, “Meshdiofngan” (pronounced “Sue”) seems super charming and pretty, and Simon appears smitten…
Jay Leno, on the other hand, makes me want to duct tape my computer, then chain it up in my basement, starve it, and make its loosened chrome exterior into a dress…
Enjoy:
"Who am I?"
Christoph Waltz won Best Actor in a Supporting Role at the Oscars and rightfully so.
Inglourious Basterds was the hottest movie of all time… and with the exception of Brad Pitt and “The Bear Jew“, Christoph was probably the most fuckable cast member…
Anyhoo, most of us have never heard of Christoph before Inglourious Basterds, so Jimmy Kimmel did a little digging and found some of Waltz’ early work.
Check it out:
Yeah…
Watching that clip made my brain fry-up like I was staring at a fucking “Magic Eye” drawing…
But, I think the “funny part” of that clip was that it was a take-off on this 1960’s Russian music video…
Which, incidentally, features a “Magic Eye” drawing in its opening credits… and you’d think that was the creepiest part of it…
But, you’d be mistaken…
Sorely mistaken…
(Model: CJ Richards)
Look, I’m not one to be a lapdog to fashion…
On the other hand, I can tell that Michael Bastian is really onto something special with his collection for GANT…
And when I say “something special”, I mean that I had to type this hanging upside down from a chin-up bar because my computer kept bouncing off my lap…
Enjoy!
"Because I love Kathryn Bigelow...."
Ok, fine…
No more Oscar’s talk…
Except for this spoof on the little girl crying about Justin Bieber…
"Strummin' my painnnnn!"
Here’s a video I think you might like of Gwyneth Paltrow gracing an audience with her vocal stylings…
That’s right, she’s at it again…
Check out a rare cellphone video of Gwynnie belting a stirring rendition of “Killing Me Softly” at the wrap party for her new movie “Love Don’t Let Me Down“…
As I watched all 17 seconds of the video above, many thoughts raced through my head…
At the top of the list was that I’m surprised Roberta Flack didn’t just walk right up on stage in front of everyone in the audience and shoot Gwyneth in the head…
Enjoy:
"Oh, hey Bill... Sure, I'd love to dance with you!"
If Bill Maher and I were at a fancy ball together, I think I’d approach him…
I’d probably be a little nervous because rumor is that he’s not a homosexual…
But, I’d still present myself to him in a seductive manner and ask him to join me in an elegant Waltz through the lavishly decorated ballroom…
Also, prior to approaching Bill, I would have paid the bandleader to transform the Waltz into The Lambada without warning, about 30 seconds in… and then have it evolve into The Pile-Driver shortly thereafter…
Anyhoo, here’s Bill addressing some dolt politician from Tennessee’s campaign, which uses Sarah Palin’s illiteracy as a strategy…
Enjoy:
Cardiac arrest...
Take a gander at this IHOP commercial from 1969…
Honestly, between the melted editing and Texas Chainsaw Massacre dream-sequence soundtrack, if you can make it through the entire one minute of this clip without pissing your pants, I’ll buy you a pancake breakfast…
Then have your brain donated to science…
(Via dlisted)
"You're demode..."
Apparently, because Gossip Girl doesn’t make you despise New York rich-kids enough, the CW’s decided to grace us with “High Society“…
It’s basically Gossip Girl in ten years… Except real… and with less interesting plot lines… and no straight dudes…
Enjoy:
"Joooh like da Monsterz Balls?" ... "Shut up, bitch..."
Penelope Cruz is a serious actress… with a serious accent.
You know who doesn’t really think Penelope’s accent is cute? Halle Berry.
Take a look at this video of Penelope Cruz interviewing Halle about her career…
Why the fuck is Penelope Cruz interviewing Halle Berry about anything, you might ask?
I can’t answer that question for you…
I can tell you that Halle neglects to see the humor in the fact that Penelope keeps calling her Oscar-winning role (in “Monster’s Ball”) “Eh-MooonSterz DaBallz”, though…
Enjoy!