"See ya, bitch!"

Here’s an awesome photo of Jessica Alba looking like a member of En Vogue, waving to her adoring fans at the premiere of Robert Rodriguez’ “Machete” in Venice today…

Not in attendance was Lindsay Lohan who also has a part in “Machete“, because she was type-cast as some sort of nun who licks guns like they’re big dicks…

Lots of people were talking about this role as Lindsay’s “comeback vehicle” because she reportedly filmed her first nude scene in it, and the film is poised for major box office success…

Sadly, Rodriguez totally cut all of Lindsay’s naked appearances, used body-doubles whenever possible, and covered her tetas with tons of polyester hair when all else failed…

No, really…

According to Mr. Skin:

SCENE 1: Lindsay Lohan is in the pool with Alicia Rachel Marek playing her mother. Marek’s breasts are very visible above the water, but Lohan’s are kept entirely underneath.

She asks Danny Trejo to join them and we cut to the shot from the trailer where Marek and the unknown blonde are the women whose breasts are exposed on either side of them. It is most definitely not Lohan in this shot.

After that flashback, so to speak, Trejo has them placed in the back of his hearse where they are passed out. Lohan is on the left and we can only see partial left breast on her, again obscured by an arm.

SCENE 3: Lindsay Lohan and Alicia Rachel Marek wake up, both nude. We can see Marek’s breasts. Lohan’s, though, are obscured by her blonde hair.

Jesus Christ…

Talk about a slap in the tit…

Robert Rodriguez literally had to resort to any means necessary to keep naked Lohan out of his movie, and then had his director of publicity tell her to stay the hell in California during the premiere…

I’d go ahead and say that just short of hiring a highly skilled assassin to ice her ass in her sleep, this might have been the easiest way to go…

The End.

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Sure, this makes sense...

Oh!

Here’s a photo of a rented, decommissioned missile that “Ground Zero Mosque” protesters are peddling around the proposed Islamic community center site in lower Manhattan today…

No, really… they’re doing this right now.

I like the extra touch of strapping a bearded drag queen in a tasteful navy gown to the front…

New York is so A-List, right now…

What a bunch of fucking anuses…

The End.

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Suck it in!

Obviously, Kelly Osbourne and I have had our ups and downs…

And, you know, when I say “ups”, I mean, before she knew who I was…

And, of course, when I say “downs”, I mean this…

Either way, I’d really like to put all that behind us and start anew with Kelly…

That being said, here’s a photo of her from last night and she looks fucking amazing…

Honestly, it’s not every day that a person is able to commit to a diet and exercise regimen so wholeheartedly and truthfully transform their body…

Really, kudos to her on a job well done.

It’s also nice to see that Kelly is allowing herself to participate in the right of passage afforded to all skinny girls…

Which is (obviously) dressing up like a cheap whore in a little red penis-cap and flashing your shit all over town…

Welcome to the club, girl…

You earned it!

The End.

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"Jess, Dahlink!"

Uh…

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband Frederick Prinz von Anhalt has told a German newspaper that he wants the creator of the Bodies exhibit and German anatomist Gunther von Hagens to literally “plastinate” Zsa Zsa’s body into one of those fucking skinless mummies that haunt my dreams…

No, I swear.

He explains:

“My wife has always dreamed that her beauty would be immortal. I would like to show the plastinated body of Zsa Zsa Gabor in the context of a scene in one of her films.”

Sure.

Why not?

Meanwhile, this is like the thirtieth time Zsa Zsa’s been on her deathbed in the last six months, so I’d imagine she’s going to slap mortality in the face once again, and reanimate…

On the other hand, can you think of anything more fucking terrifying than a Zsa-Zsa Gabor mummy that sits in a glass case all dolled up with her best friend / hot bitch partner in crime and just stares at you?

Come to think of it, I can’t even imagine that Gunther could even “plastinate” a bitch more than she already is…

He’d probably start the process by dipping her in some sort of space-age polymer solvent, then allowing her to marinate for a week or so…

And when he’d finally return to his lab, Gunther would probably find Zsa-Zsa sitting up in the “plastination tank“, sipping a glass of champagne and getting a neck massage from some other random skeleton in a turban…

The End.

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Spot the zombie!

Celine Dion wanted another baby… Really bad.

So, she decided to sign on for another $100 million, four year stint in Vegas (after Barbra Streisand turned the deal down) in order to pay for the exorbitantly expensive fertility treatments that she regularly undergoes in order to conceive at age 41…

“I’m going to try until it works,” said Celine. “Five’s my lucky number, so this is the time it’s got to work.”

So, Celine injected herself daily with hormone shots and probably went totally fucking insane as a result, whilst twiddling away the years with her 68 year old fuck-stud…

But, it worked!

See?

She’s pregnant ont he cover of “7 Jours” magazine!

On that note, I was going to post a video of Celine acting crazed and then attribute it to the fact that the she sweats estrogen at this point.

Instead, I found a clip of some total fucking nutbag losing her shit at a Celine Dion concert in Ohion that’s just too priceless to go unnoticed…

I bet this woman would offer up her uterus for Celine in a heartbeat!

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Diane Keaton...

Forty-six years ago today, a beacon of intellectually-slowed light shot from heaven and hit the earth with a profound thud…

Lots of people think Keanu Reeves is a horrible actor and a dolt, and they’re probably right.

Nonetheless, he’s worth about $80 million…

I’d like to remind you of some of his best work:

Happy Birthday, Keanu…

You might be the luckiest dummy in the universe!

The End.

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"Hey, dudes..."

I can’t say that I’m a LostProphets fan…

I don’t particularly care for their music, mostly  because it immediately gives me a migraine and makes me feel like I should always be crying hysterically about something…

Either way, their lead singer, Ian Watkins might have starred in a gay sex tape…

And, you know, whether or not he’s the “star”, he most certainly made a video chowing down on some dudes (NSFW) bagina trunk like it was somethin’ deeeelicious!

Wow, huh?

Lots of people are freaking out about this because they find it shocking…

Another thing that’s shocking?

I agree!

How much Mick Jagger looks like this batfish…

Dude, I am bugging the fuck out!

Like, whaaaaaaaaaaat…

The End.

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"That's, like, not mine..."

Oh!

Here’s Paris Hilton’s latest mugshot that was taken last Friday in Las Vegas after police pulled her over for driving like a blind asshole…

Well, they pulled her over and Paris floated out of her Bentley in a cloud of weed, and attempted to run to the bathroom to hide the plastic bag of cocaine that she was hiding in her Chanel clutch in her vagina…

No, really…

But, as she was excusing herself to the ladies’, the bag of yayo fell out and P-Wart was teleported to the clink.

Anyhoo, Paris has been maintaining that the cocaine wasn’t hers and that, in fact, she was carrying a friend’s pocketbook, which she borrowed earlier in the evening, therefore, shirking all responsibility for the drugs contained therein…

Sadly, Paris had already Tweeted a photo of the very same bag when she purcashed it on July 15…

I swear to god…

I won’t say that I think Paris Hilton is fucking idiot, because that’s not fair and it isn’t nice.

I will say, however:

“You know how damn close I came to getting genital herpes!?”

- Cocaine Bag Recovered From Paris’ Purse

The End.

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BOING

Um…

So, Kellan Lutz decided to get something out of his trunk this morning and forgot to wear a shirt…

Oftentimes, I wonder if time travel is possible.

Lots of physicists who study the space-time continuum say that it is, because great speed and force seem to be able to pierce the longitude of succession.

That being said, this is the eleventh time I’ve “had my privacy” to this photo since 10:30 pm tomorrow evening, next year in France.

The End.

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Less dusty than expected...

Here’s a photo of Ian McKellan…

It’s like one of those olde-time photos, like the ones you can pay $40 for on some weird boardwalk…

If I were to try my hand at carbon-dating the likeness above, I’d say it’s probably from around 1850…

Ian looks fresh-faced and on the lookout for some mod, british peen…

One time, I was at party for some stupid movie and I saw what seemed to be a really hot Italian dude waiting by himself at the bar…

So, you know, I walked over to him and said:

“Buona sera, il mio italiano non è molto buono, ma ho un sentimento che lei dormirà nel mio letto stasera…”

And he looked at me, and said:

“You’re Italian isn’t very good, but life could be worse… I’m actually getting a drink for my date… Ian McKellan…”

And I said:

Oh, wow! Cool… What’s he drinking these days?”

And the dude goes:

“A crushed Viagra tab with a splash of water… Buona sera…”

The End.

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