She's still a fox...

I know!

Herpe Birfday to ME!

Mark your Dieux Du Stade calendars!

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you for making this year such a great one…

I truly can’t imagine being happier waking up every morning to do anything else, and I have all of you guys to thank for that…

This past year has been one of huge shifts and transitions, but I wouldn’t have it any other way…

When my digital clock glows midnight on January 16th, you can be sure that I’ll knock down (at least) one (large) sip of champagne for each of you…

Yes, that’s right…

I’ll drink 50,000 sips of fan-fucking-tabulous champagne, and wash that heavenly nectar down with delicious, flaming cake covered in pink buttercream penises…

Learn me…

I’ll leave you all with a heart-warming fan video I received from some hot bitches in South Carolina…

Obviously, the one with the deep voice wants me to be her lady…

We’ll talk more about this when I’m 32…

XO

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I have to be honest, I'm not sure I remember being in this photo...

That’s right!

It’s New Year’s Eve which means two very important things that you should all be aware of…

Most importantly, Happy Birthday to the fiercest Jewess on the Eastern Seaboard!

For allz ya’llz that don’t know, HitDanBack’s mother is simply the best there is and I’ve got to be the luckiest (gay) son in the universe…

I love, love, love you, Mom!

And secondly, all of us at HitDanBack (which is basically just me) are ridiculously psyched to be heading into a brand spanking new year full of fabulous ish!

You’ve all made this year the absolute best yet!

Pop bottles for 2012, everyone!

Only wonderful, fantastic days await and we’re dying to see what happens next!

XO,

HDB

The End.

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Elf Y'allzselves...

My Dear HitDanBack Readers,

Merry Christmas!

Certainly, this has been a year of considerable blessings…

Although, I’m grateful for many things this holiday season, there’s a gift that I got this year for the first time that I couldn’t be happier to receive…

And that’s all of you fabulously beautiful, charming geniuses with impeccable taste…

Thanks so much to all of you for making HitDanBack’s Christmas a wonderful one.

You’re all my most-wanted holiday gift…

Which, you know, is still just basically you…

…Except you’re wearing a plaid g-string and dousing yourself in Baileys…

Merry, Merry Christmas, everyone!

xo

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Uh-huh.

I know…

We don’t have time to discuss this at length…

Sorry.

I’m not sure why I think this commercial for shower gel is so hot…

Yes, I am:

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Hot 'n Crusty.

I know…

It is…

Which means that he’s probably had it for around a week and it’s already swelled, punctured, weeped liquid Herpes virus, crusted over, and is in the process of healing.

So, you know…

You can share a Sunkist with him again in about 4 days…

You’re welcome.

The End.

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NOM NOM NOM JESUS NOM NOM

I know…

There is…

On fucking TLC…

Let me be frank, I think virginity is for the birds, you know, unless you’re under 17…

Otherwise, I say go forth with the wind at your back and fuck your way through this vast world, groin first.

Right?

What the hell is everyone waiting for?

An invitation?

Their own reality show which showcases how fucking weird they are?

Well, maybe:

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no.

I know…

Let’s just rush on through this plastic on plastic fuckfest, shall we?

Radar is reporting that Demi has been sucking the petrol out of beauty mogul Scott-Vincent Borba for seven days in a row.

Ugh…

A week?

“Demi and Scott-Vincent started dating last week. They have known each other a long time and he’s really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing.

It’s easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he’s so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele. But he’s head over heels for Demi and there’s definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them.”

Um.

I have no idea if any of that’s true…

Honestly…

My exterminator showed up 10 minutes ago to alert me to a “Saw Toothed Beetle” issue in the building and my initial response was to immediately check the peanut butter.

So, you know…

What do I know about true love?

The End.

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Si!

Um.

Here’s an awesome photo of fashion legend, Roberto Cavalli, bathing his bicentennial testicles in the healing waters of Miami…

In that vein:

Knock-Knock…

Who’s there?

“Orange”…

“Orange” who?

“Orange you so fucking glad this story isn’t about Donatella Versace sunbathing?”

The End.

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Blow 'em out, girl!

Britney made it through another year, ya’ll!

Say what you want about ol’ Brit Baby…

But she’s an icon, a true survivor, and a hell of a performer!

No, really…

I was working for the public relations company that threw Britney’s 18th birthday party back in 1999, and when she walked in, I gave her a hug and said:

“Happy Birthday! You’re legal!”

And she responded:

“Oh mah gohd, eye knowwwww! Gimme a drank, okayyyyyy!?”

So, I was like…

“No, I mean, it’s still illegal for you to drink…”

And she was all:

“Wutttt? Well, what can I do?”

So, I told her:

“Well, you can vote!”

And she said:

“Can I buy cigs?”

Yes. Yes, she could…

So, instead of living in the now, I’m going to take you all back to when Britney and I were both 20… and very, very taught…

At this point, we were both ass-virgins…

Probably…

Happy 30th Birthday, Girl! XOXO!

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<3

Today is World AIDS Day…

Although, we’ve made staggering progress within the past few years in finding a cure, AIDS continues to ravage innocent people all over the world, regardless of race, gender, or sexuality.

Today is a day to remember those we’ve lost, love those close to us, and most importantly, to push forward.

The most poignant tribute to the catastrophic damage AIDS has caused is to support research that will put an end to this awful disease.

Now, watch this, whilst also appreciating the genius of two hot old ladies about 20 years before their time:

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