Posts Tagged ‘Katie Holmes’

Nicole Kidman Might Have A Problem…

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
Hugs not drugs...

Hugs not drugs...

Nicole Kidman used to be married to Tom Cruise.  Even though she was able to distract him with the use of a small “ladyboy” and eventually escape his clutches, obviously she still needs help.

The scars of an emotionally abusive relationship with a tiny, homosexual nutbag can take years to heal.

Obviously, Nicole deals with her demons in her own way, which means drowning her sorrows in boatloads of blow (see above).

I probably would do the same, if it weren’t for my strong ties to the “straight-edge” lifestyle….

Luckily for me, I’m able to channel my aggression into more productive avenues of expression… and have a “life coach” who cares:

  • Share/Bookmark

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: Yup, It’s True Love…

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
Romance...

Romance...

We can all agree that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ marriage is a sham, right? Well, maybe not a “sham”, per se, because they are legally married… they just don’t have sex or spend any time together, or know each other

Also, I love OK!’s layout with the photo of Nicole Kidman to their right like “Shhhh, Tom’s gay….”

Anyhoo, guess what!? They are having their lawyers negotiate the birth of their second child for $75 million! Bliss!

Ok! Magazine reports:

“OK! can exclusively report that the Cruises have reached a deal on expanding their family: Katie plans to get pregnant sometime in the next year.

“She no longer feels like she’s just Mrs. Cruise. She’s her own person again,” a pal tells OK! of the couple’s decision. “She and Tom have their disagreements, but deep down they love each other very much. That’s what is important.””

Sure, that’s what’s important… Interestingly enough, someone just threw a brick threw my window with a few crumbled pieces of looseleaf paper taped to it.

They read:

Dan,
Wee wop zee zooop lim lickin’ zizzle.  Me no remembuh mama papa po beep boop. ZAP… Got baby for mother ship.
Respectfully,
Dear anyone,
Help, these people are fuckin’ crazy -

Hey Fuckface,

Why me?

  • Share/Bookmark

Tom Cruise To Cast Katie Holmes As Villain Of MI:4…

Monday, November 16th, 2009
Fucked.

Fucked.

This is pretty awesome for a few reasons. Number one, Katie Holmes surfaced on Long Island last week looking like this… I’m pretty sure that’s the face of a villain… or at least someone who’s been brutalized by a villain, repeatedly.

Anyhoo, looks like Tom might have found his lady-friend a jobby-job!

A source at MonstersAndCritics.com said:

“Tom is very excited about taking ‘Mission: Impossible’ in a new direction and he sees Katie as a big part of that.

“They have wanted to work together for a while now but the idea of being a couple on screen in a romantic comedy is a bit dull. This might give them a chance to have some fun both as a couple and as hero and villainess.”

Secondly, who likes that gay Tom Cruise decided to cast his beard of a brainwashed wife as the villain in his next movie? I do!

It’s pretty symbolic, but the man’s got a vision. I often find it’s probably difficult to always translate that precise vision from one’s head to a creative endeavor, like a movie.

For instance, I’m sure Paramount had difficulty green-lighting Tom’s original request that Mission Impossible 4’s villain just be deadly vagina that Tom could only combat through the use of a poisonous, yet potent serum that had to sucked out of Ving Rhames’ penis… Or did they?

  • Share/Bookmark

Tom Cruise Will Beat You Up… For Realz…

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
Lookin for a knuckle-sandwich?

Lookin' for a knuckle-sandwich?

Here’s the thing… I know this post is supposed to be about how Tom Cruise is insane… which is true… But, I can’t seem not to focus on the vision of Tom Cruise threatening to beat someone up.

I mean, that’s like getting tapped on the shoulder by a Girl Scout, or a nun… or Cabbage Patch Kid “Preemie” and having it say “I’m gonna beat the living shit out of you…” It’s kind of more bizarre than anything else, right?

Anyhoo, that’s what big, tough, heterosexual Tom Cruise does to lax Scientologists…

The NY Daily News reports:

“Marty Rathbun, once one of Miscavige’s most trusted lieutenants, tells us he has a witness who can corroborate his account of a bloody beating at the church’s 500-acre compound in Hemet, Calif. Furthermore, he’s brought it to the attention of Cruise’s attorney, Bert Fields.

On the day before the actor’s visit a couple of years ago, the compound’s managers took part in “the Tom Cruise arrival preparation drill,” which required “orchestrating every action they perform … in the presence of Cruise,” Rathbun recently wrote Fields.

But Miscavige wasn’t happy when he addressed 80 to 100 managers at a prisonlike facility, known as “The Hole,” where three insubordinate officials — Marc Yager, Guillaume Leserve and Ray Mithoff — were “incarcerated,” according to Rathbun.

“Miscavige berated [the managers] for being far too light in their demands for confessions” from the three, Rathbun alleges in his letter, “because they refused to beat [them] … to pulps. Miscavige said that Tom … had vowed to come to the Hole and personally ‘beat the living [bleep]‘ out of Yager, Leserve and Mithoff if the managers failed to do so themselves.

“In response, the mob rushed at the three targeted gentlemen,” Rathbun claimed. “Fists flew and feet kicked into the three. They continued to pound until … each had two black eyes.”"

Yeah… Cuckoo. Anyhow, I recently received the following responses from three concerned Scientologists who were shocked and offended by treatment of their faith…

Dear Dan,
You are a JERK, man, ok? I oughta kick your ass for this! Also, there are some mistakes in your entry about Tom Cruise.  He isn’t a homosexual, in fact he’s married… To a woman, a Wo-Mannn.  So you might wanna change that.  You wanna see a straight guy in action?  Rent Risky Business… I got three words for you… He-Te-Ro… Somebody get Mimi Rogers on the phone!  Talk about a marriage that definitely was NOT a sham!! POW… BAM, BAM, BAM!
Dear HitDanBack,
Wee wop zee zooop lim lickin’ zizzle.  Me no remembuh mama papa po beep boop. ZAP…
Respectfully,
Dear anyone,
Help, these people are fuckin’ crazy -
  • Share/Bookmark

Sex With Tom Cruise

Friday, September 18th, 2009
Hellz yes!

"Hellz yes!"

So last night on Jay Leno, Cameron Diaz was asked what it was like to sleep with Tom Cruise… As she scratched her head, totally perplexed, Tom got nervous and decided to finish her sentence…

And how did Tom describe it?

“It’s like flying.”

Also, does everyone know Tom Cruise is gay yet?  Like is that cat out of the bag?  I posted about him a couple of times before and have since received some hate mail from some familiar names… I’ll post them below…

Dear Dan,

You are a JERK, man, ok? Also, there are some mistakes in your entry about Tom Cruise.  He isn’t a HOMOSEXUAL, in fact he’s married… To a woman, a Wo-Mannn.  So you might wanna change that.  You wanna see a straight guy in action?  Rent Risky Business… I got three words for you… He-Te-Ro… Somebody get Mimi Rogers on the phone!  Talk about A MARRIAGE THAT DEFINITELY WAS NOT A SHAM!! POW… BAM, BAM, BAM!

TOM

———

Dear Dan,

Wee wop zee zooop lim lickin’ zizzle.  Me no remembuh mama papa po beep boop. ZAP…

Respectfully,

KATIE HOLMES CRUISE

————-

Asshole,

MCRIB returns to Mcdonalds September 15 through November 8… put that on Wikipedia.

KIRSTIE ALLEY

Anyhoo, Tom Cruise is getting fucking battier by the millisecond.  Is this dude delusional or what? Incidentally, I think at this point, I’d rather throw my penis into a Cuisinart rather than “fly” with Tom Cruise.  Also, you can quote me on that.

  • Share/Bookmark