Go!

Oh, hi!

Here’s an awesome picture of “Katie Holmes trying to escape from captivity”, that the Church of Scientology spun to look like it was “Katie (on the set of the TV movie where she plays Jackie Kennedy) horsing around with Suri and the little actress who plays Caroline Kennedy”…

Obviously, shortly after this photo was taken, Katie was caught in a magnetic filed, shot repeatedly in the brain with a purplish ray gun, then returned to work.

The End.

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BOOM!

No words…

Well, except:

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"Katie... I miss you..."

I mean, I think you could have seen this coming…

I saw it coming, and I’ve been tunnel vision on getting back together with “potable carbs” for the last 3 weeks…

Anyhoo:

“Law enforcement sources tell us a CHP officer stopped Klein on the 101 freeway in Los Angeles at 3:13AM.
31-year-old Klein was arrested after failing a field sobriety test, we’re told.
According to the police report, Klein was “observed weaving from the #3 lane into the #2 and #4 lane westbound US 101 at Woodman Ave.”

I feel bad for Chris Klein…

On the other hand, he could go around murdering kittens and spreading typhoid, and still nothing would be more abominable than this:

Yeah, I mean, that’s the worst…

Ever.

One time Katie Holmes (who dated Chris for, like, 4 years) told me that he had a huge penis and a heart of gold…

…..

Ok, I made that up…

I was just tying to throw a dog a bone…

This dude’s fucked…

That was a bad lie, everyone knows Katie Holmes can’t talk anymore…

The End.

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Uh... WHAT?

Oh, right…

Like I have words to even begin to describe what’s going on here…

That’s probably Katie’s new agent… or psychic advisor… or confidante…

Write a caption that makes me laugh and I’ll give you a prize… or a kiss… or I’ll share my lunch with you…

Whatever…

Email: HitDanBack@gmail.com !

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"Hoo Bop Boh Be Bum Baby No Remembuh Mama!"

This might be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen…

Ever.

It’s a video of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise performing “Whatever Lola Wants” from Damn Yankees at some stupid little showcase that Tom probably set up in his basement and told Katie was “The Oscars”…

I know, I already posted about Tom and Katie today, but this is just too good not to share…

Please watch Tom flex his “How would a straight guy act?” muscles, but then forget himself and “strut” like a chorus member in Chicago…

If it ever came to trial in the Supreme Court that Tom and Katie’s marriage was a press-stunt, and I was in charge of prosecuting them for bad taste, I’d make this video “Exhibit A“…

Then, if I felt like it, I’d show the video, dowse the jury in napalm, and set them on fire…

Just to prove I could still win…

Enjoy hygienically:

(Via Just Jared)

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"He's not as short as you'd think... Boyish, actually... And cute..."

Um, Tom Cruise is Slash’s number one fan.

It is rumored that Tom is also “ass-play’s” number one fan.

But, it’s more important that Tom went to a concert and demanded to be let backstage so that he could gush all over Slash, because he gets to express his love for “ass-play”, like, all the time…

Reports the New York Times:

“POOR Slash. All the star guitarist wanted to do was tune his Gibson and collect his thoughts before going onstage at the Staples Center here with the Black Eyed Peas. He was jittery — a tattooed bundle of nerves in a leather top hat.

But a visitor was outside his dressing room door, his manager announced. Was it O.K. for Tom Cruise to come in and say hello?

Slash, who recently released a solo album (“Slash”) but is still best known for his Guns N’ Roses days, was taken aback. “As in, Tom Cruise Tom Cruise?” he asked. Yep, the wide-eyed manager said. “Um, yeah sure — tell him to come in.”

And suddenly there was a beaming Mr. Cruise. His wife, Katie Holmes, lingered behind him. “I’m a big fan, and I just really wanted to meet you,” Mr. Cruise said. Some awkward banter followed — neither man seemed to know whether to play the fan role or the celebrity one — and ended with a confession.

“I’m a little nervous to go onstage,” Slash said in a soft voice. Mr. Cruise tried to comfort him, saying the same thing happens on a movie set. “That’s good,” Mr. Cruise asserted. “That means it will be a good performance.”

With that, Mr. Cruise bid adieu, leaving Slash a bit discombobulated (although, frankly, it was hard to tell since his face was almost entirely hidden by mirrored aviator sunglasses and his enormous mop of hair). “That has to be one of the weirdest things that has happened to me in at least two weeks,” he said, adding that he couldn’t believe how nice Mr. Cruise was. “And he’s not as short as everybody seems to think.”

A few things…

First of all, this story ran in the New York Times…

Secondly, I like that having a weird, backstage Tom Cruise blind date is one of the weirder things that’s happened to Slash in “the last two weeks”…

Like, what the fuck happened to him 15 days ago?

I mean, right?

Oh, also, I love that Tom brought along poor, brainwashed Katie Holmes so that she could corroborate that old fable about Tom not being a ravenously ass-hungry homosexual…

You know?

Like, I’m sure when that awkward silence fell across Slash’s dressing room, it probably all went down like this:

Slash: Um. Sooo…

Tom Cruise: (Whispers) I’ve been wanting to blow you, while listening to November Rain, all my life…

Slash: What!?

Tom Cruise: Oh, I said, I’m still blown away by November Rain, and so is my wife…

Slash: Oh. cool.

Katie: Beep.

The End.

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"I'm looking at you..." ... "I'm looking at you too..."

Let’s just face it…

Katie Holmes’ brain takes a fucking Silkwood Shower every morning…

That being said, just because she’s perpetually brainwashed into accepting an arranged marriage to an evil lady-dwarf doesn’t necessarily mean that her career is over…

Case in point, here’s a photo of Katie out and about in LA, showing us that she’s casual, comfortable in her own skin, and ready to work again…

Obviously, something’s going on under Katie’s intergalactic-issue, space polymer sweatshirt, because her ninnies look like siamese twins…

But, kooky Xenu nipples isn’t what this post’s about, people…

It’s about the fact that Katie Holmes is still an A-list star, even if just for the public’s morbid curiosity about her Ponzi-scheme of a marriage…

Therefore, I’d imagine there are several high profile clients clamoring for Katie to be the “new face” of their product…

Here’s a list:

Stockholm Syndrome

The End.

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"Yeah? And?"

Here’s a photo of Suri Cruise hanging out in New York City with her brainwashed caretaker…

Obviously, Katie can’t be bothered to pay too much attention to Suri bulldozing her boogies because I’d imagine, if she makes too many sudden moves, they’ll throw her back into the dungeon underneath The Scientology Center…

Obviously, it’s a weird thing to post a photo of a kid picking their nose and then make fun of it because it’s not really an even playing field, you know?

On the other hand, just because Suri’s got more clout than I do, doesn’t mean I should be silenced.

On that note, my Scientology amulet just glowed and beeped these messages to me in morse code:

Hottie -

I’m versatile.

- T.C.

Dan,

Wee wop zee zooop lim lickin’ zizzle.  Me no remembuh mama papa po beep boop. ZAP…

Respectfully,

- KATIE HOLMES CRUISE

Bitch,

I’ll buy your clown-ass…

- SURI

The End.

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Hugs not drugs...

Nicole Kidman used to be married to Tom Cruise.  Even though she was able to distract him with the use of a small “ladyboy” and eventually escape his clutches, obviously she still needs help.

The scars of an emotionally abusive relationship with a tiny, homosexual nutbag can take years to heal.

Obviously, Nicole deals with her demons in her own way, which means drowning her sorrows in boatloads of blow (see above).

I probably would do the same, if it weren’t for my strong ties to the “straight-edge” lifestyle….

Luckily for me, I’m able to channel my aggression into more productive avenues of expression… and have a “life coach” who cares:

Romance...

We can all agree that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ marriage is a sham, right? Well, maybe not a “sham”, per se, because they are legally married… they just don’t have sex or spend any time together, or know each other…

Also, I love OK!’s layout with the photo of Nicole Kidman to their right like “Shhhh, Tom’s gay….”

Anyhoo, guess what!? They are having their lawyers negotiate the birth of their second child for $75 million! Bliss!

Ok! Magazine reports:

“OK! can exclusively report that the Cruises have reached a deal on expanding their family: Katie plans to get pregnant sometime in the next year.

“She no longer feels like she’s just Mrs. Cruise. She’s her own person again,” a pal tells OK! of the couple’s decision. “She and Tom have their disagreements, but deep down they love each other very much. That’s what is important.””

Sure, that’s what’s important… Interestingly enough, someone just threw a brick threw my window with a few crumbled pieces of looseleaf paper taped to it.

They read:

Dan,

Wee wop zee zooop lim lickin’ zizzle.  Me no remembuh mama papa po beep boop. ZAP… Got baby for mother ship.

Respectfully,

Katie Holmes Cruise

Dear anyone,

Help, these people are fuckin’ crazy -

Surie

Hey Fuckface,

Why me?

- fetus