Posts Tagged ‘Tom Cruise’

« Older Entries

Tom Cruise Is Looking For Some New Dick…

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
"Straight-acting"

"Straight-acting"

Yippee!

This week, Paramount Pictures will begin testing actors to star alongside Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 4.

Buh-buh-buh boner!

Apparently, Tommy Cruise chose Vampire’s Kevin Zegers, Letters to Juliet star Christopher Egan, and Anthony Mackie, who starred in the Oscar-winning The Hurt Locker to “test” opposite the star tomorrow and Friday…

This is awesome because while Katie Holmes is busy locked in some dirty tiger cage someplace, Tom can literally pull strings to force Hollywood to be his gay wingman…

I’d imagine the casting process probably goes something like this:

Tom: “Great to see ya, man!”

Young, Hot Actor: “Thanks! I’m psyched about Mission: Impossible 4!”

Tom: ”Cool, buddy… Me too… You ever do any gymnastics? This role is really physically demanding.”

Young, Hot Actor: “Oh… No, but I can learn… I’m in pretty great shape…”

Tom: “That’s cool, bro… You ever suck a dick before…?”

Young, Hot Actor: “Ha… … … … Wait, what?”

Tom: “Just kidding! I’m married… Now, get the fuck out of here…”

The End.

CLICK HERE TO SHOP.HITDANBACK!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON FACEBOOK!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON TWITTER!

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , , ,
Posted by dan at 8/31/2010 3:43PM Add Comment

Cristiano Ronaldo Has A Huge Peenus…

Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

"Hola!"

Some weird british “model” named Jasmine Lennard apparently had sex with Cristiano Ronaldo and decided to write a tell-all article about it…

Obviously, he ditched the bitch, so she makes sure to pepper it with jabs (like that his sex lasted about 2 minutes and that his clothes are too tight)…

On the other hand, she makes sure to include some nice things about Crissy, as well…

You know, like that his penis is so big that it ‘intimidated’ her…

Enjoy:

“In truth I wasn’t even attracted to him. His shorts were SHORT, his top was TIGHT and the pink colour of both was…just not for me. As soon as he encountered my German Shepherd dogs and started screaming and waving his crutches at them in total panic and fear I realised perhaps this wasn’t going to be Mr Right.

You might well be wondering, why did I do it then? The only explanation is that while I wasn’t attracted to him, I enjoyed the fact that he was so taken by me. Some sort of power trip, I suppose. Soon after entering the bedroom, I did indeed catch sight of the REAL Ronaldo. Now, while a lot of women appreciate a well-endowed man, this was just RIDICULOUS…intimidatingly so. “Oh for God’s sake”, I thought, “let’s get this over with”, although I wondered how long that would take. Not long was the answer…perhaps he was having an off day!”

Wow…

I wonder if any of this is true…

Oftentimes, it’s difficult to wade through the truth and the exaggeration when it comes to celebrity sex stories.

Luckily, I’ve become an expert at it…

For instance:

“Last night I banged Tom Cruise and his pagina trunk could shade the sun…”

FALSE

On the other hand:

“Last night I banged Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sat in the corner of the room rocking back and forth, crying and mumbling, “Better you than me…” and then all of a sudden she was electrocuted with a cattle prod, and dragged into a flying saucer…”

TRUE

Do you see the distinction?

The End.

CLICK HERE TO SHOP.HITDANBACK!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON FACEBOOK!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON TWITTER!

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted by dan at 8/31/2010 9:40AM Add Comment

“Fucking Run, Kid! RUN!”

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010
Go!

Go!

Oh, hi!

Here’s an awesome picture of “Katie Holmes trying to escape from captivity”, that the Church of Scientology spun to look like it was “Katie (on the set of the TV movie where she plays Jackie Kennedy) horsing around with Suri and the little actress who plays Caroline Kennedy”…

Obviously, shortly after this photo was taken, Katie was caught in a magnetic filed, shot repeatedly in the brain with a purplish ray gun, then returned to work.

The End.

CLICK HERE TO SHOP.HITDANBACK!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON FACEBOOK!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON TWITTER!

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted by dan at 7/31/2010 12:22PM Add Comment

VIDEO: Fat, Bald Tom Cruise / J.Lo Dance-Off…

Monday, June 7th, 2010

"More finger!"

Um.

Apparenly, Tom Cruise does this weird character where he dresses up like a fat, bald asshole and pretends he’s a Hollywood agent…

I’m not really sure how popular this character is, but I can tell you that I’m relatively sure I wouldn’t build an award show around it…

Anyway, here’s a video of Tom hopping around the stage at the MTV Movie Awards like hairy sausage, then having some sort of dance-off with Jennifuh Wopez…

The only thing more random than this video would be if Tom spend a lifetime making believe he’s a tough-guy action-star who likes to have sex with women…

That’d be fucked…

Enjoy:

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON FACEBOOK!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON TWITTER!

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted by dan at 6/30/2010 10:11AM Add Comment

Nicole Kidman’s Breast Implants Have A Bone To Pick With You…

Friday, May 21st, 2010

Nature.

Nicole Kidman showed up to an Omega charity event in Hong Kong last night with her ridiculously plastic looking breast implants, in tow…

I’d be tempted to say that out of everyone on earth, I’m the person most traumatized by this photo, but I’d imagine that’s not true…

Tom Cruise probably hates this photo more than I do, because he got roped into feigning sex with Nicole for ten years, and now he has to see her exaggerated femininity pushed in his face, like two huge heterosexual, hot air balloons…

That being said, there’s probably only one thing more fake than Nicole’s tetas…

And it’s this:

Am I right?

If that’s how people acted when they were stoned, nobody would ever smoke…

Ever.

They should have gotten fucking this chick to play that role, instead of “Rojo Polytits“, up there…

On the other hand, it’d probably be a good idea not to rib Nicole too much because she looks so fucking scary these days, I think she might come after us…

Yeah, I said “us”…

Or, you know, just grab my throat through my computer screen and just rip my face off and eat it like some sort of a vicious bird… and when someone finally discovers my body, all that will be left is a strand of frizzled orange hair and the subtle twangs of the didgeridoo…

The End.

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON FACEBOOK!

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW HITDANBACK ON TWITTER!

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: ,
Posted by dan at 5/31/2010 1:33PM Add Comment

« Older Entries