Go!

Oh, hi!

Here’s an awesome picture of “Katie Holmes trying to escape from captivity”, that the Church of Scientology spun to look like it was “Katie (on the set of the TV movie where she plays Jackie Kennedy) horsing around with Suri and the little actress who plays Caroline Kennedy”…

Obviously, shortly after this photo was taken, Katie was caught in a magnetic filed, shot repeatedly in the brain with a purplish ray gun, then returned to work.

The End.

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"More finger!"

Um.

Apparenly, Tom Cruise does this weird character where he dresses up like a fat, bald asshole and pretends he’s a Hollywood agent…

I’m not really sure how popular this character is, but I can tell you that I’m relatively sure I wouldn’t build an award show around it…

Anyway, here’s a video of Tom hopping around the stage at the MTV Movie Awards like hairy sausage, then having some sort of dance-off with Jennifuh Wopez…

The only thing more random than this video would be if Tom spend a lifetime making believe he’s a tough-guy action-star who likes to have sex with women…

That’d be fucked…

Enjoy:

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Nature.

Nicole Kidman showed up to an Omega charity event in Hong Kong last night with her ridiculously plastic looking breast implants, in tow…

I’d be tempted to say that out of everyone on earth, I’m the person most traumatized by this photo, but I’d imagine that’s not true…

Tom Cruise probably hates this photo more than I do, because he got roped into feigning sex with Nicole for ten years, and now he has to see her exaggerated femininity pushed in his face, like two huge heterosexual, hot air balloons…

That being said, there’s probably only one thing more fake than Nicole’s tetas…

And it’s this:

Am I right?

If that’s how people acted when they were stoned, nobody would ever smoke…

Ever.

They should have gotten fucking this chick to play that role, instead of “Rojo Polytits“, up there…

On the other hand, it’d probably be a good idea not to rib Nicole too much because she looks so fucking scary these days, I think she might come after us…

Yeah, I said “us”…

Or, you know, just grab my throat through my computer screen and just rip my face off and eat it like some sort of a vicious bird… and when someone finally discovers my body, all that will be left is a strand of frizzled orange hair and the subtle twangs of the didgeridoo…

The End.

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"Um, I do..."

Obviously, I’m not going to go the “easy” route and say something to caption this photo, like:

“Who here can prove Tom Cruise is gay?”

Nope, not in my repertoire…

On the other hand, you could totally send in your best suggestion and win an illustrious cash prize!

And, obviously, when I say “illustrious cash prize”, I mean a tongue-kiss…

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"You like the rain too?"

Oh… Swoooon…

Taylor Lautner (the site of whom, literally makes my underwear vaporize) is reportedly looking for a “loyal” girlfriend and he’s turned to Oprah for help…

You know, because Oprah’s had the most loyal girlfriend anyone could hope for…

Describing his perfect Hollywood creation, Taylor told Oprah:

“Obviously, loyalty… and what’s really important to me is somebody who can totally let loose and pretty much be themselves and have fun.”

She does sound perfect.

You might remember that Taylor famously dated Taylor Swift for a few months last year, but they called off their relationship because they were both “too busy” and “she lived so far away”…

Right. Totally.

Good luck with that.

In other news:

“Hey, wait a minute…”

- Déjà vu

The End.

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"Heheheheheheheheh!"

Man, this is too awesome for words…

Apparently, during Tom Cruise’s divorce from Nicole Kidman, he was audited by a representative from The Church of Scientology…

You know, which is standard procedure, just to make sure Tom didn’t forget himself and blurt out, “Nicole does not get my rare collection of Judy Garland memorabilia, because (contrary to what she told me), she does have a vagina”…

Anyhoo, Marty Rathbun, (the person whose job it was to record all of Tom’s secret sexual confessions) decided to fly the Scientology coop and start a blog where he lays all of Xenu’s shit bare…

And, apparently, Marty blogged that Tom’s confessions became a source of entertainment for Scientology head David Miscavige, aka “DM”…

Enjoy:

“Well, my suspicions about DM’s real purposes for recording Tom’s confessions have been confirmed as warranted. I have recently learned from a very reliable witness that DM regularly held court with others in his personal lounge in the roadside Villas at the Int base, and while sipping scotch whiskey at the end of the night, Miscavige would read Tom’s overts and withholds from my reports to others, joking and laughing about the content of Tom’s confessions.

My witness is unimpeachable in my eyes as his account contains too many accurate details from someone who had zero reason (or ability) for being anywhere near Tom’s folders, videos and reports direct to DM. I also know he was a regular, preferred guest at DM’s scotch night caps during that period.”

Wow.

I mean, the revelation that The Church of Scientology is basically like a larger, less stylish version of “Mean Girls“ is pretty awesome…

You know, their phone conversation probably went something like this:

DM: Hey, Tom, man, I’m so sorry about the divorce…

Tom Cruise: That’s ok… turns out she wasn’t as “open-minded” as we thought…

DM: Oh… why not?

Tom Cruise: You know why…

DM: No, I don’t…

Tom Cruise: Yes, you do…

DM: No, Tom, I don’t… and I thought we were friends…

Tom Cruise: Fine! She kept asking me to touch her! Even when we were alone!

DM: (Starts to laugh) Oh… (swallowing laughter) That’s not in her contract! Where did she want you to touch her?

Tom Cruise: I know! I was like “Holy-Breach-of-Contract, Batman!”… On her “tootie“!

DM: (Thunderous laughter explodes from several different parties)… Oh nooooo…

Tom Cruise: Are you not alone? Am I on speakerphone?

DM: (Still laughing) No, of course I’m alone, buddy! Tough break on that whole “tootie” thing… But, I gotta go! It’s noisy because Kirstie Alley just slammed through the wall of my office, bloodied and screaming about “Lunchables“… Byeeeee!”

The End.

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"Hoo Bop Boh Be Bum Baby No Remembuh Mama!"

This might be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen…

Ever.

It’s a video of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise performing “Whatever Lola Wants” from Damn Yankees at some stupid little showcase that Tom probably set up in his basement and told Katie was “The Oscars”…

I know, I already posted about Tom and Katie today, but this is just too good not to share…

Please watch Tom flex his “How would a straight guy act?” muscles, but then forget himself and “strut” like a chorus member in Chicago…

If it ever came to trial in the Supreme Court that Tom and Katie’s marriage was a press-stunt, and I was in charge of prosecuting them for bad taste, I’d make this video “Exhibit A“…

Then, if I felt like it, I’d show the video, dowse the jury in napalm, and set them on fire…

Just to prove I could still win…

Enjoy hygienically:

(Via Just Jared)

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"He's not as short as you'd think... Boyish, actually... And cute..."

Um, Tom Cruise is Slash’s number one fan.

It is rumored that Tom is also “ass-play’s” number one fan.

But, it’s more important that Tom went to a concert and demanded to be let backstage so that he could gush all over Slash, because he gets to express his love for “ass-play”, like, all the time…

Reports the New York Times:

“POOR Slash. All the star guitarist wanted to do was tune his Gibson and collect his thoughts before going onstage at the Staples Center here with the Black Eyed Peas. He was jittery — a tattooed bundle of nerves in a leather top hat.

But a visitor was outside his dressing room door, his manager announced. Was it O.K. for Tom Cruise to come in and say hello?

Slash, who recently released a solo album (“Slash”) but is still best known for his Guns N’ Roses days, was taken aback. “As in, Tom Cruise Tom Cruise?” he asked. Yep, the wide-eyed manager said. “Um, yeah sure — tell him to come in.”

And suddenly there was a beaming Mr. Cruise. His wife, Katie Holmes, lingered behind him. “I’m a big fan, and I just really wanted to meet you,” Mr. Cruise said. Some awkward banter followed — neither man seemed to know whether to play the fan role or the celebrity one — and ended with a confession.

“I’m a little nervous to go onstage,” Slash said in a soft voice. Mr. Cruise tried to comfort him, saying the same thing happens on a movie set. “That’s good,” Mr. Cruise asserted. “That means it will be a good performance.”

With that, Mr. Cruise bid adieu, leaving Slash a bit discombobulated (although, frankly, it was hard to tell since his face was almost entirely hidden by mirrored aviator sunglasses and his enormous mop of hair). “That has to be one of the weirdest things that has happened to me in at least two weeks,” he said, adding that he couldn’t believe how nice Mr. Cruise was. “And he’s not as short as everybody seems to think.”

A few things…

First of all, this story ran in the New York Times…

Secondly, I like that having a weird, backstage Tom Cruise blind date is one of the weirder things that’s happened to Slash in “the last two weeks”…

Like, what the fuck happened to him 15 days ago?

I mean, right?

Oh, also, I love that Tom brought along poor, brainwashed Katie Holmes so that she could corroborate that old fable about Tom not being a ravenously ass-hungry homosexual…

You know?

Like, I’m sure when that awkward silence fell across Slash’s dressing room, it probably all went down like this:

Slash: Um. Sooo…

Tom Cruise: (Whispers) I’ve been wanting to blow you, while listening to November Rain, all my life…

Slash: What!?

Tom Cruise: Oh, I said, I’m still blown away by November Rain, and so is my wife…

Slash: Oh. cool.

Katie: Beep.

The End.

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"Don't sleep with him!" ... "But, I want to!"

I feel totally unabashed about the fact that I think Simon Cowell is a stone-cold, bristle-chested, smoking fox…

And apparently, I’m not alone because Simon topped the list of “Celebrities that women would sleep with, even though they feel that they shouldn’t”…

No, really, apparently more than half of the women surveyed said that they’d slurp Simon if given the chance, even though they might regret it later…

Others celebs that made the list included; Gordon Ramsay, Barack Obama, Ricky Gervais, and Justin Bieber…

In other news:

Totally dominating the list of “Celebrities women wouldn’t sleep with unless they were contractually bound to do so, then brainwashed, emotionally tortured, and turned into walking zombies…”?

- Tom Cruise

Annnnnd scene.

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"Yeah? And?"

Here’s a photo of Suri Cruise hanging out in New York City with her brainwashed caretaker…

Obviously, Katie can’t be bothered to pay too much attention to Suri bulldozing her boogies because I’d imagine, if she makes too many sudden moves, they’ll throw her back into the dungeon underneath The Scientology Center…

Obviously, it’s a weird thing to post a photo of a kid picking their nose and then make fun of it because it’s not really an even playing field, you know?

On the other hand, just because Suri’s got more clout than I do, doesn’t mean I should be silenced.

On that note, my Scientology amulet just glowed and beeped these messages to me in morse code:

Hottie -

I’m versatile.

- T.C.

Dan,

Wee wop zee zooop lim lickin’ zizzle.  Me no remembuh mama papa po beep boop. ZAP…

Respectfully,

- KATIE HOLMES CRUISE

Bitch,

I’ll buy your clown-ass…

- SURI

The End.

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